Week 52 - One year passed

I really didn't want to be back at work on Monday. I felt...mmm...how did I feel? I drove home from dropping Woo at the bus-stop, past all these ugly houses with cars parked outside, imagining the people inside all ready to start pointless days of misery and drudgery. So yeah...I wasn't feeling great.  On Mondays I have calls with most of the analyst team. One of them who I do enjoy talking with is a young chap called Rob. 

With people I get on with, I find it an effort not to just tell the truth and so I did have a good 15minute chat with Rob that was pretty deep regarding how life can sometimes seem entirely futile, just about creating mess and disorder for no good reason. There are factories out there where people go to work to manufacture automatic air fresheners. People put effort into making these non recyclable plastic tat things, with a battery in and synthetic fragrance, that someone buys, makes their house smell rank and then throw away. Believe it or not, we had a good chat, and after that I did feel better. 

I was still in a pretty nihilistic mood, but during a break in the calls I went into Bunnykins' room. She had been working hard on her dolls house/shelves over the weekend. It was so calming. Her room was quiet and her doll shelves were so full of thoughtful order and life and love and charm. 

My favourite floor was where the Lotties live. Here is Bunnykins coming through the front door into the hall and utility room. There is laundry in the background, under the notice board that has family pictures and reminders on it. Shoes are in the basket by the door waiting for whoever else wants to venture out. 

But why would we? I am sat on the sofa (in the purple headband) with Mini on my knee. We are watching a film on the big TV over the fireplace along with Marth and Abbi. We have plenty of snacks. I am also reading to Mini from a book about space, because we are watching a film about space. 

I love how cosy this room feels with the big fluffy rug in front of the fire. The kitchen is full of detail too; there are dishes in the sink, cakes and biscuits on the table. Flowers sit on the side tables; all sorts of groceries on the shelves. Life and warmth and care. 

There is also a pristine study that is Bunnykin's, but we are allowed to use it. It is so neat and bright. I would like to work in there. 

We have a bedroom floor. At one end is the guest space where the best window for using the telescope is. 

Bunnykins has the big bed at the end. This is where we can all sit for a midnight feast. On the rug is a little cat and a ball of wool that Bunnykins made. 

Martha's bed is next to Bunnykins. Martha has an easel for her art work and likes bright motivational  posters. 

Next to her is Abbi's space. She has her laptop open ready to work. Her fish-tank is at the end of the bed along with a treasured fossil. 

Then there is my space. My bed is low but a good size. I have my ukulele on my pillow and some flowers. I noticed that Bunnykins had put up one of her book posters for me - it is of A Stitch in Time. This is a book Bunnykins has from a collection, and it was only when she read it last summer did I recognise that it was one of my favourite books from when I was young.  

I know Bunnykins was moved by the fact we both enjoyed it back then. And I was moved by her gesture of putting that poster above my desk. Sometimes it gets missed by others, but Bunnykins is such a kind and caring girl. 

The floor below houses the Sullvanians. It is delightful chaos. 

I love all the detail of portraits on the wall, cups of tea infront of the telly, plates stacked ready to serve cake.

Someone reading up in her bed, while the teapot sits on her desk next to a beautiful painting.

Three Bunny sophisticates have tea.

And Daddy bunny falling asleep under the paper, as Woo-Rabbit whizzes by delivering pizza.

At lunch it was strange for it just to be the two of us. It was definitely a hatch day and we had a good long walk. I was in no hurry to get back. 

Wednesday would normally be games night, but it was St Patrick's day. We had been invited to join a family zoom celebration with all Mark's aunts (his Mum's side) and cousins. We started off in the kitchen, but soon had to move to the front room for better reception.

It was really nice. I was also having to make some adjustments to Woo's school skirt, but we did join in the chat as well as marvel at the chaos 😄. I think my favourite moment was when the talk was about teeth and how generally in the family they were slow to get adult teeth. 

Una has a broad Irish accent and speaks in a slow deliberate way. She was concluding a dental anecdote and reflected "Aye, Mammy always had lovely teeth". 

To which Deirdre laughed and said..."She had false teeth!"

and without missing a beat, Una replied "Aye, but they were lovely teeth".

Well I fell about. You couldn't top it for absurdity or timing. 

Woo now has to do covid-19 lateral flow tests at home. She brought home a kit for the week. The idea is that she has to do one on Thursday morning and Monday mornings. But if mornings aren't convenient, then she can do the test the night before. 

Well, from being woken to getting in the car, she has 55minutes in the morning. So unless she was swabbing before she got out of bed, it felt pretty tight to fit into the morning. You have to wait 30 minutes to read the test. We opted for Wednesday evening. It was relatively straightforward, though not pleasant for Woo at all. The test was negative, not that I expected much else, but it's reassuring I suppose.

On Thursday evening we had a lovely chilli and then I went on for a ukulele lesson with Ben. We would normally carry on chatting and playing for up to 2 hours. But I also wanted to spend time with the girls and I realised that my weeknight evenings get taken up with calls to the point where I am hardly around and then they are off to bed. 

I was torn, as I love my time with Ben, but Woo wanted my company and I needed and wanted to prioritise that. I hate the feeling of being needed or being pulled in different directions with so little time, but that is the working life I suppose. Anyway, she had had some bad news today. I had had a call from the school to say that Woo couldn't do the Engineering GCSE as the course was oversubscribed. I was really deflated myself. They have so little choice and I knew how much she loved the subject and was looking forward to it. This means she gets put onto her reserve which is Art. I know she will do well and enjoy it, but I also appreciate that it isn't as good (in her worldview) as Engineering. Woo and I had a lovely snuggle up on the sofa while watching Travel Man with Richard Ayoade. I love that programme and could watch and re-watch it just chuckling away at his word play and deadpan silliness while enjoying the sights and sounds of the different countries and the interplay with that episodes' celeb'.

Friday was a good work day. The day before I had had a meeting with my boss where I had discussed this troublesome project I am working on. I had scoped it for the client, but as I started to investigate the background work in preparation for the kick-off I found that 1. it would be ridiculously complex to do (given the state of the previous data set) and 2. it just wasn't going to be that helpful for them. 

This project had become a black cloud over my every day. I didn't know what to do and I knew I was stalling and trying to put the client off from having the kick-off meeting. I felt that a much better option must be possible and that it was likely to be much more achievable, but the data was such a mess and I had so little time to think. Every time I sat down to consider what I should do - I would get sidetracked by some request or cry for help from a colleague.  I spoke to Jono about my concerns. He wasn't worried about the project, but thought that setting me a week deadline might be helpful to ensure I made time to get it sorted. 

So Friday morning, I had 2 hours without meetings. I had already asked my colleague in Sweden to pull a fresh set of data together on this project and so I sat down to look at the rough presentation of charts and figures she had pulled together. Before long I had worked out what I felt the revised aim should be and drafted out some really rough kick-off slides based on the fresh data. I then went onto a call with this same client but on a different project. There was a much wider team on the call and we had a successful 50 min meeting. As this call was finishing, I asked the client if we could just chat about the other project. The two of us talked. I was honest about my struggles with the initial brief and he talked about how things had indeed moved on and he agreed that the original scope wasn't relevant. I quickly pulled up the draft kick-off slides to show my new thinking. We effectively had a mini-kick-off there and then and agreed the format of a 3hr workshop with his wider team that I knew was much more appropriate for them and also entirely achievable. I came off the call elated. A weight lifted. 

It didn't matter now how much work was being thrown at me for the rest of the day. If I didn't do something due to volume of work that isn't something I need to feel guilty about. But I realised just how much this other project had weighed on me: I was failing, I was letting the client down, I hadn't scoped it properly, I was trying to hide, I couldn't figure it out - I must be stupid, I wasn't good enough to do the job at all...all these thoughts were ever present and oppressive. But I had smashed them and figured out the puzzle. I felt giddy and manic with the joy of it. By 5pm I could smell the supper that Mark was cooking and couldn't wait to sink a glass of wine and just dance around the kitchen. I carried on clearing tasks away for another 30 minutes before breaking for the weekend with great joy. 

On Saturday morning I woke about 7:30am. Mark was already up and in the garden moving rubbish and green waste to the bins. He brought me a hot water and I read a guidance document that I need to be on top of for a meeting on Monday. I don't like working at weekends (sure, no-one does), but I don't mind a bit of reading so much. 

I got dressed while Mark made pancakes. The plan for the day was to dig out the new bed. You can just see it marked out by the silver poles.

We also needed to move the gravel off the old herb bed as this will become part of the new bed. 

It was a still day; overcast, but no wind at all. The smell of the viburnum was intense, you could smell it around the whole garden. 

The Forsythia has also burst full into blossom since last weekend.

Mark came out and started on the grass area.

Shortly after, Woo came out and she helped with the gravel while I dug the grass section. 

She was intrigued by the digging and thought that looked much better than collecting up old gravel. After a bit of trial and error, she figured how to get her weight onto the spade and did a good job of turning over the sods.

Mark went in to make lunch, the usual Ramen. Woo had found an old pot of googly eyes...

After lunch we went back out. Mark got on with digging, while Woo and I started washing the greenhouse windows. 

Bunnykins came out to join us, she did the lower trickier bits while Woo got on with the squeegee and the higher windows and roof. 

Bunnykins then had a try at digging with Mark.

While Woo carried on cleaning. 

I worked in the greenhouse, potting up my Begonias from last year. I am not sure if they will have survived well enough for this year, but I will give the tubers a chance. Bunnykins then got on with clearing more debris up from around the tree house; looking forward to getting a nice outdoor bean bag up there for the summer. 

Mark had popped out to the garden center and picked up some grow bags. He had also got some tomatoes (I wasn't sure if it was a bit early, but I thought I would get on and plant them up). 

Again, the girls were super helpful with planting. 

We had got so much done, I was quite keen to call it a day in the garden.

I went in for a shower, then spent a good hour curled up with my book. 

Mark went to pick up his new glasses. I like them, but it is strange to see him in something different from the glasses he has been wearing for the past few years. They are also varifocals, so it's a strange thing for him too.

On Sunday morning Mark was up early. He and Jason did the Bristol Bridges marathon run. 

I didn't realise it was going to be another crazy long run, so I was glad that I didn't wait for him to come back before getting on with the summer layout. The girls were super helpful, so we got it all done fairly easily.

Including some time to sit down and sort through some of the old toys. Yes, this is Woo brushing a Sindy's hair with a doll's leg...

The girls decided to get rid of most of the old Sindys and Barbies. They thought it was better if they were all dressed though before they went to the charity shop. 

It was really nice to get the room finished. I got on with making lunch, sorting laundry and tidying around the kitchen. Mark arrived back, pretty near broken, but glad to enjoy lunch with us. 

After lunch I wanted to sit by my window. I have been looking forward to it since just after we moved it to the winter layout...I mean I did enjoy having the fire going - especially at Christmas. But I have missed seeing outside. I have missed being able to sit with a view. I knew how helpful that spot had been all through the first lockdown - the view of the outside and my begonias. A comfortable seat with a hot water to hand and an engaging book. I have been aching to get my spot back again.

The hyacinths and daffodils are on show in my pots. The flowers are just so beautiful to look at. They sit serene and still in the calm air; unmoving but living and full of life and colour. I find it such a calming and mindful place to be. I need to see outside.

Woo wanted to do a bit of work on a paint by numbers she had found when we had done the room switch. I put on some music. It was a playlist I have for work sometimes; all non-vocal stuff; lots of classical music and soundtracks. It was really lovely to sit and read while Woo quietly got on with her painting nearby; occasionally showing me her progress or having a little chat about the music or whatever.

Mark managed to make some pizza dough for tea. I was surprised. I had expected I would have to figure something out for tea. I prepped the toppings though as he spent pretty much the rest of his afternoon laid out on the sofa. And that was about it for the day, there was the usual Sunday stuff of showers and sorting out for the week ahead, then watching TV and Woo needing to do a covid test (so not so usual stuff I guess). 

This week was week 52. Next week will be the 1yr anniversary of the start of the first lockdown. We have gone through a year in this strange new world. 

I don't think I have so much to say that I haven't said already. Our lives have changed a lot in some ways and not at all in others. I feel like I have made good decisions and done my best. Once or twice I wondered if I should have hung on to try for the research job with Leeds and Bath University. I can't say it is a solid regret - but I have had the thought, even if briefly, that taking this job could have been a bad decision. 

But we cannot know the other roads that life might have taken. 

My brain will do it's best to rationalise the decisions I have taken regardless, ha ha, so there is little point in trying to be objective.  For now, I am glad to be back by this back door with a view of flowers and trees and sky.