Monday was a bank holiday. The weather was forecast to turn poor, but we made the most of it. Woo has been so keen to get back to surfing but the last few weeks when we have been able to travel - it has been so calm that there would have been no waves at all.
A storm was coming in with southerly winds, it was due to hit in the afternoon. The morning presented the ideal surf opportunity and also coincided with the tide coming in. We were all up at 6:30am and away by 7:45am. The skies were suitably pensive...
We got ready. Mark had ordered new surfing boots and gloves for us, which were amazing - they really made such a difference to staying warm.
Asking Woo to take a picture but she's too busy looking at the sea...
I don't want to be recording work pains here on this blog. I do want to be truthful, but the difficulties and pressure are not what I want to remember. What I want to remember is the moment that Woo, 5 paces ahead of me, stepped onto the sand and turned beaming at me, the wind buffeting her, hair blowing into her face.
I want to remember the waves crashing into me, eyes full of spray, then coming up to see a perfect wave appear just meters away and advancing. I want to remember turning without any knowledge of making a decision to find myself swept up and accelerated to the shore. Hearing Bunnykins first to my left and looking across to see her giggling amid the foam as we rode in together.
I want to remember the four of us assembling in the chaos of the waves, hail in our faces but full of smiles and not a one wanting to leave.
Getting dressed by the car was soooo cold! The wetsuits and boots and gloves were great, but as soon as they started to come off and the wind hit damp skin we were all shivering and shaking. I was trying to help Bunnykins as she always seems to get stuck but I could feel I was starting to lose my mind to the cold. Fortunately, we had prepared well enough with plenty of towels, blankets, warm layers, heated hand warmers, food, and flasks of warm drinks. Once we started getting the top half of clothes on and wooly hats it became more manageable, and as soon as we were in the car out of the wind, it all felt fine. We sat a while and had some lunch and warm drinks, sitting looking out at the view and listening to music through Woo's phone.
We got home before the winds really picked up. There was busying around while we tidied away, took showers and got dressed up cosy and warm.
Mark lit a fire in the front room and we spent the afternoon watching Agatha Christie movies (evil under the sun, murder on the orient express (2017 version) and the mirror crack'd) and stuffing our faces. It felt like being on holiday. It was so lovely all to be cosy and comfortable together in the front room, trying to figure out the puzzle of who the murderer was. Mark of course would have known each time, as he grew up with these films. But even where I've seen them - I wouldn't remember 😄 and of course, it's all new to the girls.
I think this picture must have been from Tuesday evening (possibly Wednesday). The sky was so dark and pensive but the sun was setting and had just come under the cloud to catch the trees. I do love this view.
Bunnykins has been busying herself with a crafting task this week. She wants to make a present for her friend M. The detail is beautiful and I continue to be impressed with the initiative she has and ability to just get on with it. She asks for help if she needs it, but otherwise she just comes up with an idea and sets about it.
Thursday was a bit of a crazy old day. It was quite busy week work wise given that I had two big deadlines on Friday lunch (an important client meeting and a proposal deadline) so each day getting nearer to Friday there didn't seem to be any let up even though I was working hard to get everything done.
Mark and I had our vaccination appointments booked together for the morning. We are lucky to have the nearest center just a short walk away from us. We walked down and waited. What was nice was that we were able to go in together. I always get a bit nervous, so it was great to have Mark there to hold my hand. Some chat and questions, then jab, jab and we were done.
I got a sticker for being brave 😄.
We walked up to the hatch to grab a couple of coffees before getting back to work. I was feeling a little dizzy and my arm was sore.
I carried on during the day. We walked out at lunch to vote. In the afternoon my skin started to feel really tingly almost like it was being shocked. I got shivers quite bad. I took paracetamol though and felt much better.
I hadn't called off Ben, which in hindsight was a mistake, but it was lovely to see him. By the time he arrived I was feeling a bit cold, but wrapped up warm and went out to eat tea with him. I hammed it up, but wasn't feeling so bad. Just a bit shivery and tired. We ate tea and had a go at the new song he had brought with him.
But I really wasn't up for much, so we called it a day much earlier than we usually would and he went off home.
By 8pm I was in bed and shaking - I had on 2 jumpers, a thermal top, a t-shirt, vest and the duvet but I still felt freezing I even got a heat pack as my hands felt so cold. I tried to go to sleep but couldn't, mark and I watched a bit of telly in bed.
Mark was feeling fine. He dropped off to sleep. By 11pm I had to wake him to help me - I'd been stripping off gradually but my temperature was so high and my heart was racing and skipping beats. I was pretty delirious. Trying to get my temperature under control was a pretty uncomfortable time, I kept trying to crawl back under the duvet as I felt so cold, but as soon as I did I was sweating like I was in a sauna.
What made it all so much worse was that I was so stressed about the impact of missing work in the morning. It was just awful. I was obsessively having conversations in my head about handing in my notice and then worrying about the impact on other people then just wanting to be taken away from the decision altogether. As my temperature reduced and I felt calmer I started feeling sick and was up to the loo every 30 minutes(Mark had me drinking so much water!). I didn't sleep until about 5am.
The alarm went off at 6:30, I felt terrible still, but a lot clearer and sent off messages to work that I wasn't well enough to do anything and then finally went off to sleep. I slept until 1pm, slept past my deadlines, I had gone beyond caring, my body had made the decisions for me.
I came downstairs to lay on the sofa. Mark made me some food. Bunnykins had left a little companion for me. When you press his tummy he makes a funny little noise and says "Some Bunny loves you!". She is such a caring girl.
I watched Room with a View and then Pride and Prejudice. Perfect sick bed films.
I had a good nights sleep on Friday night. It was amazing though how stiff and in pain I was feeling just from laying around for a day.
On Saturday morning I felt very weary but couldn't bear to lay down. So had a little potter around the garden in the rain.
Bunnykins was getting on with her project.
In the afternoon I went out for a walk around the park, still feeling the need to stretch my legs and not sit still.
Mark had made lunch for us, but he was now starting to feel some effects. He was feeling pretty tired out and a bit achy. I asked Woo if she wouldn't mind making tea. She was happy to. She made a cheese sauce (from scratch) with pasta which she stirred in some fried cabbage leftover from lunch. It was served with some garlic bread and salad. It was really nice and I was so glad and proud that she had just got on with it. I sat down in the back room in case she needed me, but she was all fine on her own and did a great job.
Mark must have been feeling better as he was up early for a run on Sunday. I got up and pottered about. I had a shower and then tidied up the kitchen. I remembered that I needed to pick up my new glasses so ran out to do that just as Mark was returning. I was pleased that they weren't too terrible as at the time of choosing Bunnykins had been at my shoulder saying "how long will this take?!!" and I also had a mask on 😂😂 so not the best conditions for choosing something to suit my face.
But they are fine. They are a stronger prescription and are now effectively reading glasses so are well weird if I look into the distance...but that isn't what they are for so I shouldn't judge them on that 😂😅😜.
I suggested that we went across to the hatch for lunch. It was lovely to sit out in the sun. Woo read her book while the rest of us chatted. We talked about Bunnykin's crafting and how being out in green spaces is very therapeutic and many other things I can't recall.
When we got back I sat in the garden a while to read, then Bunnykins asked if I would help her with the sewing machine as she wanted to make some teeny duvet covers.
While supervising I noticed this beautiful little book she had made about unicorns. I just love the detail of how the spine is folded. She is a clever little bunny.
Monday was a busy day and I had been asked to get an application for another role within Anthesis, submitted by early on Wednesday, so when it came to tea time I thought I was going to be working until late. However, the application process went better then I thought and I was finished by 6:30pm. I guess that is because I didn't have to do all the extra titivation that you might do on an application where they didn't know you. I mean, where I didn't have the relevant experience I did just say "I haven't done this" and then gave other relevant information. No point in making stuff up.
Anyway, so I was finished in time to go to Ukers in Kevan's garden. It was another lovely evening.
At lunchtime on Tuesday we went across for a park lunch. Mark had the tarka dal which he enjoyed very much. It is still a limited menu during the week, dal gets my stomach in a knot, so I stuck with a toastie. It was nice thought.
Wednesday morning came with some good news... Mark came up to my study to show me a text he had received. I checked and had the same one; we both had invitations to book our vaccinations. We chose our slots for next week. It does feel quite momentous.
But there the jolliness ends. I got a message to say there had been some bad client feedback on one of my projects. The long and the short of it was that I had had trouble getting information from the client, I had tried various ways to get around it, I had put alot of effort in to prepare for a workshop, but really was focusing my effort on the wrong thing and tbh, I should have cancelled the workshop until I was able to get the necessary preparation material. But I had crashed on, hoping that the other invited experts would pick up the holes, but they were under-prepared and I had known that it wasn't a great session.
This was just the end though for me. I have tried so hard. I have been pulled in 100 different directions. I sat on the call after having read an e-mail with the feedback. I didn't feel like I could have done much different besides cancel the workshop. I didn't feel like I had been lazy or wrong or lacking. I have just been at my edge for weeks now, with no time to sit back and think. We talked about the workshop, but then it came out. I just said that I couldn't do the job as it stands.
The worst part of it is the business development. I am the central point of contact for BD requiring analyst input for across the business (even though I am no analyst). I am supposed to co-ordinate resource, but I also get dragged into helping on all sorts of proposals. Often, I don't even get asked if I can contribute, it is just assumed that I will get involved. It is a perfect storm for me of dealing with lots of stressed demanding people who I don't want to let-down, and working on stuff that I only know surface level about (so I am constantly feeling exposed in my lack of knowledge), and all the systems are chaotic...AND it's BD...even in my interview I said that business development was never my thing. I can do it, in terms of project managing a response on something I am knowledgeable and confident about...but to work in a chaotic system on things I know very little about - it's been driving me mad. I can't carry on.
My boss was very kind and understanding. I didn't feel bothered about the fact I was sitting there weeping. I just felt broken and if anything I felt relived that I had put the load down (even if in a dramatic, weepy, way full of disappointment in terms of what had happened with the client). I said that if he didn't think I was right for the company, then I was happy to go. I did say also that I didn't want to let anyone down, so I wasn't going to run off and hand my notice in, but I couldn't carry on with the role as it stands.
We talked a good while about making some changes and he was keen that I stay and that we find a way to make the role work and for me to find what I enjoy doing. I did really appreciate his attitude.
Thursday Mark was in London. I picked up Bunnykins from school and then we both went off for optician's appointments. Bunnykins' eyesight is perfect. I need slightly stronger prescription. I hope the glasses I have chosen are OK. It wasn't easy to try them on with a mask and Bunnykins complaining about how long everything was taking 😄.
While I was at the opticians I got a message to say "well done" from a colleague. I wasn't sure what for, but she said I should listen back to the company meeting that was going on while we were out.
Ben came over for tea and ukulele. It was a nice calm evening even if a bit cold.
We had another go at the Fleetwood Mac songs.
And just a bit of general messing about
Friday working day was another low day. I spoke to the client and tried to present some follow on, but it was clear that my idea of what was needed and their idea was way out of line. I am not wrong, but I am wrong for them. I am OK with that. I don't feel like it is a development point. I am not going to change and again - I do think that they could benefit from what I was suggesting, but it just wasn't a fit with their culture. So, someone else is going to pick the work up and that is fine. It doesn't create any kind of existential crisis in me, though it does make me feel sad. And there was also just so much to do and clear up before the long weekend began.
I was glad to get to the end of the day and to try to put work out of my mind for a few days.
The girls were on good form and having a balloon battle.
They're not fighters...!
In the evening we watched Hunt For the Wilderpeople with the girls. It is a great film and the girls were rapt the whole way through. Mark got on with his darning and even darned a pair of my socks for me which was very kind of him.
Saturday morning I went out first to the garden center. I wanted some more compost and a couple more pots. I ended up coming back with 4 pots, 2 of which were huge! Plus some herbs and horticultural grit. It is dangerous to watch Gardeners world on a Friday night!! 😂
The girls came out to pot some succulents, one each for their rooms and then one for the porch.
My pots...
The herbs smelt lovely as I planted them. I didn't have near enough compost for my massive pots, so Mark went out for me to get more.
I planed out some spare tomato plants we had got. We'll see how some get on outside of the greenhouse.
Back inside, Bunnykins was busy with a project she had come up with to make a box room for one of her dolls (Millie).
Mark had got Woo to collect some wild garlic and was doing his usual weekend thing of blitzing up some pesto.
I suggested that we head to the park for lunch, so we could try the extended weekend menu.
It was really nice. Mark and I had Shashouka, Woo had a chorizo hash which she was really pleased with and Bunnykins stuck with the faithful old classic toastie.
Back home, I got the planting all finished and sat a while to admire my pots.
Mark brought had been baking cinnamon swirls and brought one out for me.
He went off on his bike to pick up his glasses. As he was on the way back the heaven's opened. It was pouring with rain and hailing. This picture does not show how ridiculous it was. Hail was bouncing up off the grass. Miraculously it was so concentrated that Mark didn't get wet at all. I was stood ready with a towel as he arrived, but it had already died down completely and he was puzzled with what I was up to!
Bunnykins showed us her work on Millie's room, before we all settled down to watch Baby Driver. Another great film that the girls were engrossed with.
On Sunday Mark was up early for a BTR run in the Brecon Beacons.
I woke quite early myself and got up to prune the Forsythia.
Bunnykins spent much of the morning carrying on with her craft - making a little ladder and chair. She was also making light fittings and a mural for the last wall.
I hung out some washing, and made some lunch.
After lunch, Woo helped me with more washing. We had a chat with our neighbour over the fence. Woo suggested that we pick some rhubarb and asked if she could try something I had told her about. When I was growing up a great treat would be to be given a stick of rhubarb and a cup of sugar.
It isn't massively healthy, but I said she could give it a go. She was a fan. But I was clear it wasn't something she was going to be having again any time soon! 😄
