Monday
I keep a notebook with the date scratched down and to-do lists for each day - otherwise I wouldn't have had a clue what I did on this Monday (28th Sept). And tbh, not much of it is worth remembering. I did make some labels for our grape jam and took some pictures...hence me mentioning it...
In the evening I went to Wick to Geoff's palatial double garage for a UkuleleLand practice. We kept the doors open for ventilation, but it is a good space that should see us able to practice now the nights are dark and getting colder and wetter.
Tuesday
I had a walk out to post a parcel at lunch, but there was something wrong with the label so I ended up just carting the box around under my arm like a weird pet. Fortunately it wasn't heavy. I wandered back through Page Park. It was a lovely day, the sunshine was lovely and a real lift to my spirits so I just sat a while on a bench and appreciated not being in a rush to get anywhere or do anything.
Wednesday
Another nothing day. Bit of exercise, some chores, some home admin, have a shower, pick up Bunnykins, sort tea.
Mark had been at the office but at 4pm he raced into the house to get online as there was a virtual leaving drinks for a colleague of ours, Paul, who is moving to another job. Being on gardening leave I am rather out of the loop but I have always got on with Paul so wanted to join even though at 4pm to 5pm it was right in prime tea making time.
Another thing I love doing with Ben is talking about music. I can wax lyrical about the details and feelings and what memories it brings up and whatever. I played this video to him.
It was for a series created for Van Morrison's 75th birthday. John told me about it, and I enjoyed going through all the different videos created by all kinds of artists - all covers of Van songs. This one really struck me. I have loved Van Morrison since being introduced to him via John's extensive music collection when he moved in with us.
I interviewed Paul when he applied to join our graduate scheme 12 years ago. I was so impressed with him, though had to convince my colleague Tim a little. I mentored Paul a while and suggested to him that he took the time to read through a fairly new piece of regulation - the CRC - Carbon Reduction Commitment. I am sure he would have made himself valuable anyway of his own accord, but blimey he rose through the company to eventually become one of the directors. He became a respected expert on the CRC while still relatively junior and just kept on amassing knowledge whilst having a very driven attitude and always wanting to deliver excellence (I know it is management BS speak, but he is one of the few people who I would say that is true about). He was always a lovely person to talk to, very kind and considered and then when it came time to socialise - having a wicked laugh and a wild carefree attitude.
So as much as I didn't really feel like showing my face, I did want to join in with the goodbyes. It was a nice send off even with the limitations of being on Microsoft Teams. People thought alot of him, he always got stuck in, there were so many funny anecdotes and pictures. Two of his line reports had created a little sketch. It was nice. Really nice.
But then there was a part of me that couldn't help realise that when my turn comes - I wouldn't expect this kind of turn out on a Wednesday afternoon. I wouldn't expect jolly anecdotes, just a few questions and awquard silences. Before I left to go on sabbatical I was central to the office and the running of the company. I was line managing about 20 people, I had good relationships throughout the company. There were people there who had funny anecdotes about Christmas parties and wild dancing or like the time when after a really successful event for a client in London - several of us and a director went out for a drink with the client who got so boozed up that he fell asleep on a bench in one of the stations...with the director. Or how with the same client I had fashioned make shift cufflinks for them out of what I found in my bag on the morning of the big event. Or how I had booked rooms for a team delivering an event and in the name of equality I had booked for the director to share with one of the other team members - only for them to be given a double bed. Or maybe just to talk about my reputation as being entirely straight talking to any level of staff but the most formidable project manager - complete safe pair of hands. Winning the biggest single contract each year for 5 years in a row - a contract providing time to book to for 10 of our staff. Managing every single meeting to time every time.... But the people who knew those things, have mainly gone. The people who I came back to after the EngD were primarily new faces. Maybe they will comment on my dress sense or an interesting conversation we once had at lunch. Maybe my boss will say something funny about the meetings with my slightly eccentric EngD tutors. Maybe the few people who were there in "the old days" will say something about who I used to be. But all in all the thought of what it would be like was entirely deflating. I wanted to cry. I said a heartfelt goodbye to Paul, who said some kind things to me knowing he wouldn't be around for my leaving. Then I left the call early to get the tea sorted for the girls.
Thursday
I did all the normal things, plus made some earrings.
I met Helen for lunch. Helen is the HR manager from Verco. I had contacted her after the redundancy process to say hey, I know you must be feeling awful about having to do this, I know it wasn't personal. We arranged to catch up which was nice. It was a little awquard each time we strayed onto work related stuff. I wanted to meet her as a friend - which we have been for years now. I didn't want to meet her as HR manager and redundancy candidate. Anyway, we met at the cafe, had a toastie each and a good catch up. It was nice.
In the afternoon, I got myself in trouble by overstepping the bounds with a good friend. It is an occupational hazard for me as I am always so eager to get involved and help, especially with someone I care about. She was really lovely and just said very kindly that I was being too much. I really appreciated her being honest. Again, though, there are two parts of the brain. The cognitive part knew that she had done the absolute best and kindest thing in saying what was on her mind and tbh - the thing I always want in relationships and friendships - honesty. And also knew it wasn't a big deal. The primitive and emotion driven part of my brain picked up on the feeling of rejection and went to town on it. I knew I just had to ride that out, use mindfulness and just get through it.
My biological father disowned me when I was at University back in the late 90's. There is alot more to it than that, but ultimately it was a shitty time and alot of things got messed up in my head. There have been other relationships where I have felt rejected and that feeling picks at the old wound. It took me a long time to get some kind of hold on it. I can't get rid of that wound and the tracks it laid down in my brain. But I do try to look at it differently now. I can't stop the feeling. But I can recognise that this isn't about the other party rejecting me or that I am a victim to some mean behavior. These feelings are about me feeling rejection and the pain of what I feel that says about me, and those things may be true or untrue - I feel the feelings, but it is up to me how I process and act on them - it is usually nothing at all to do with the other person. I choose how to react, I choose how I want to proceed, if that doesn't fit with what they want, then my option is primarily to walk away.
Ultimately everyone has a right to choose who they make their relationships with and what the boundaries of those relationships are. And if both parties aren't in agreement...it isn't going to work out. It isn't a victim and perpetrator thing - it's a transaction. Not everyone gels in the ways that would be ideal for them. Now the parent - child thing is very different but that is a whole other thing.
Anyway, this thing with my friend in the end wasn't the biggest deal, because she was very lovely and thoughtful about how she communicated it, because it wasn't the end of anything, and because I managed to work through my demons and get back to using my cognitive brain...after a bit of blubbing to Benjamin (again, not at all complaining about my friend - but acknowledging the f-ing tracks and wounds in my brain that send me into this spin from time to time).
Ben came over for our Thursday session. It was a chilly but calm evening and was nice to sit out and chat (and blub - cos sometimes you just have to). He would used to give me a big bear hug if I was ever upset and I could tell that it was hard for him to not do that. Not being able to hug people is rubbish it really is. We hug alot more now in TeamChallis, which is lovely - I am very grateful for those hugs. I guess I am just a greedy hugger.
Anyway. We also tried a couple of new songs.
It was for a series created for Van Morrison's 75th birthday. John told me about it, and I enjoyed going through all the different videos created by all kinds of artists - all covers of Van songs. This one really struck me. I have loved Van Morrison since being introduced to him via John's extensive music collection when he moved in with us.
I know this song well, it wasn't a particular favourite at the time. But the image of Terry Hooley smoking and calmly speaking the words in a way that required no emphasis or adornment to make it musical - just grabbed me. One thing I always appreciate with Van's music are the layers of instrumentation, the details of different rhythms and sounds. It is like being in the midst of a dense and beautiful wood with the sound of birds, and the different rhythms of the leaves moving in the wind. There are so many different details you can focus in on, or let the whole thing wash over you.
The song reminded me too of knowing this song when younger and what I didn't appreciate then, but now I feel proud of...back then I knew who all the artists namechecked in this song were. I knew them by their nicknames and shortenings. Fats, Elvis (obvs it seems but ask a young person...), Sonny, Lightening, Muddy, John Lee, the Killer. I just knew them, and I knew their music, because I trawled through John's records and CDs. I would sit in the dining room and try out different albums or come back time and again to treasures I had found.
I thought about this quite a bit. It was a very tactile process, you interacted with the album cover - opening it to take out the record or CD, you took in the artwork, read the names, read the back. Maybe read the lyrics or the acknowledgements. You took a moment to set up the music on the turntable or place the CD in the tray. All for 40minutes of music. You couldn't help but know who you were listening to. The girls hear us playing all sorts of artists on Spotify playlists, but it comes without context. They may like a song and ask about it, but otherwise it washes past them without them knowing the artist or title of the track or even much about what an album is.
The plan for Saturday had been that Bunnykins, Woo and Mark would go canoeing with Marian and the twins, each household in a separate canoe. It was on the river Wye where they could stop and have snacks. But the weather was dreadful and it had been cancelled a few days earlier. Bunnykins was still keen to bake up a storm for her picnic on Sunday. The plan for that had been to have a picnic in the park with her two besties and then the mums and various sibling hangers on would come over too and sit with me and Woo in one part of the park, while the birthday girl and chums enjoyed a picnic spread on their own (thus not violating the rule of six). The weather was entirely damp and drear so it was decided that just the two friends would come over and be dropped off at the house. They would have the picnic in the back room and play some board games.
The Hagrid themed cake:
Then Hagrid dropped by with the cake that he had made 😂😂😂
The girls took some selfies together so I could then print them out and put them in a nice frame each to take away. Stickers mandatory apparently.
Friday
had hardly anything of note worth saying, so I wont...oh apart from around lunchtime I came across a fairly perfect job being advertised for a consultancy based in Bristol (as well as around the globe). It was at my grade, doing the kind of stuff I want to do. All the things they want from the role - I am brill at. I only saw it advertised on their website where it asked for a CV. I sent in my CV and soon after got an e-mail to say that I did seem very suitable for the role, but it was closing on Monday and I would also need to fill in an online application. There were 5 quite detailed questions to answer about different scenarios...suddenly my weekend was not seeming very relaxed.
Oh, actually there was another thing...I got a new phone! Bunnykins was going to get my old one for her birthday, so it came just in time for me to sort out all the switching over and wiping memory and such. I was unimpressed with the lack of stickers and crazy filters on the selfie mode however 😄
Saturday
Bunnykins and Mark got to work with all the baking while I did some necessary reading to help me with the application, carried on sorting out my phone switch, and then had a go at the application questions.
Bunnykins wanted some help with making sorting hat cupcakes, so we got on with that later in the afternoon.
Sunday
I got the application pretty much complete. I was feeling happy with all but one of the answers and even that one wasn't too bad.
Ben and I were booked in for Pippa's 11:15 yoga. Mark had gone running, and got back about 10:15 so I then went over to meet Ben in the cafe. The weather was vile, so for the first time in 6 months we were back inside the cafe. It opened up mid September but generally people have preferred outdoor seating as there you don't have to sign in and leave your details for the track and trace.
The session with Pippa was great and afterwards the three of us sat around talking about autism and her new job as an LSA (Learning Support Assistant) for quite a while.
Mark had the lunch on when I got back and we got some things ready for the little party for Bunnykins. Including finding her a birthday crown...
Her guests arrived and we got out the treats, including some sorting hat cupcakes...
They were very good. They played lego and board games. Woo and I sat in the kitchen and served food occasionally and made some friendship bracelets.
She got some lovely presents. Including her favourite...some rice cakes!!! Courtesy of Hannah and M!
Bunnykins had asked for some Bertie Botts every flavour beans. Woo had the first packet and left the disgusting ones (boggies, dirt, vomit...!!) for the girls to try so they could all keep their own packs to take home. It was kind of her, but tbh, also fairly sensible in my book! 😄
When it came to cake time, we had a tunnocks with a candle for Bunnykins to blow out so that she wasn't blowing all over the cake.
It was a bit of a shame for poor Bobs that all the plans for her birthday had to be changed and reduced. But she never complained, she understood entirely. I was very proud of her and really glad that she had managed to have a good time with her chums.
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