Week 58 - Turning point

Monday was a busy day and I had been asked to get an application for another role within Anthesis, submitted by early on Wednesday, so when it came to tea time I thought I was going to be working until late. However, the application process went better then I thought and I was finished by 6:30pm. I guess that is because I didn't have to do all the extra titivation that you might do on an application where they didn't know you. I mean, where I didn't have the relevant experience I did just say "I haven't done this" and then gave other relevant information. No point in making stuff up.

Anyway, so I was finished in time to go to Ukers in Kevan's garden. It was another lovely evening. 

At lunchtime on Tuesday we went across for a park lunch. Mark had the tarka dal which he enjoyed very much. It is still a limited menu during the week, dal gets my stomach in a knot, so I stuck with a toastie. It was nice thought.

Wednesday morning came with some good news... Mark came up to my study to show me a text he had received. I checked and had the same one; we both had invitations to book our vaccinations. We chose our slots for next week. It does feel quite momentous. 

But there the jolliness ends. I got a message to say there had been some bad client feedback on one of my projects. The long and the short of it was that I had had trouble getting information from the client, I had tried various ways to get around it, I had put alot of effort in to prepare for a workshop, but really was focusing my effort on the wrong thing and tbh, I should have cancelled the workshop until I was able to get the necessary preparation material. But I had crashed on, hoping that the other invited experts would pick up the holes, but they were under-prepared and I had known that it wasn't a great session. 

This was just the end though for me. I have tried so hard. I have been pulled in 100 different directions. I sat on the call after having read an e-mail with the feedback. I didn't feel like I could have done much different besides cancel the workshop. I didn't feel like I had been lazy or wrong or lacking. I have just been at my edge for weeks now, with no time to sit back and think. We talked about the workshop, but then it came out. I just said that I couldn't do the job as it stands. 

The worst part of it is the business development. I am the central point of contact for BD requiring analyst input for across the business (even though I am no analyst). I am supposed to co-ordinate resource, but I also get dragged into helping on all sorts of proposals. Often, I don't even get asked if I can contribute, it is just assumed that I will get involved. It is a perfect storm for me of dealing with lots of stressed demanding people who I don't want to let-down, and working on stuff that I only know surface level about (so I am constantly feeling exposed in my lack of knowledge), and all the systems are chaotic...AND it's BD...even in my interview I said that business development was never my thing. I can do it, in terms of project managing a response on something I am knowledgeable and confident about...but to work in a chaotic system on things I know very little about - it's been driving me mad. I can't carry on.

My boss was very kind and understanding. I didn't feel bothered about the fact I was sitting there weeping. I just felt broken and if anything I felt relived that I had put the load down (even if in a dramatic, weepy, way full of disappointment in terms of what had happened with the client). I said that if he didn't think I was right for the company, then I was happy to go. I did say also that I didn't want to let anyone down, so I wasn't going to run off and hand my notice in, but I couldn't carry on with the role as it stands. 

We talked a good while about making some changes and he was keen that I stay and that we find a way to make the role work and for me to find what I enjoy doing. I did really appreciate his attitude.

Thursday Mark was in London. I picked up Bunnykins from school and then we both went off for optician's appointments. Bunnykins' eyesight is perfect. I need slightly stronger prescription. I hope the glasses I have chosen are OK. It wasn't easy to try them on with a mask and Bunnykins complaining about how long everything was taking 😄.

While I was at the opticians I got a message to say "well done" from a colleague. I wasn't sure what for, but she said I should listen back to the company meeting that was going on while we were out. 

Ben came over for tea and ukulele. It was a nice calm evening even if a bit cold.

We had another go at the Fleetwood Mac songs.

And just a bit of general messing about

Friday working day was another low day. I spoke to the client and tried to present some follow on, but it was clear that my idea of what was needed and their idea was way out of line. I am not wrong, but I am wrong for them. I am OK with that. I don't feel like it is a development point. I am not going to change and again - I do think that they could benefit from what I was suggesting, but it just wasn't a fit with their culture. So, someone else is going to pick the work up and that is fine. It doesn't create any kind of existential crisis in me, though it does make me feel sad. And there was also just so much to do and clear up before the long weekend began. 

I was glad to get to the end of the day and to try to put work out of my mind for a few days. 

The girls were on good form and having a balloon battle. 

They're not fighters...!

In the evening we watched Hunt For the Wilderpeople with the girls. It is a great film and the girls were rapt the whole way through. Mark got on with his darning and even darned a pair of my socks for me which was very kind of him.

Saturday morning I went out first to the garden center. I wanted some more compost and a couple more pots. I ended up coming back with 4 pots, 2 of which were huge! Plus some herbs and horticultural grit. It is dangerous to watch Gardeners world on a Friday night!! 😂

The girls came out to pot some succulents, one each for their rooms and then one for the porch. 

My pots...

The herbs smelt lovely as I planted them. I didn't have near enough compost for my massive pots, so Mark went out for me to get more. 

I planed out some spare tomato plants we had got. We'll see how some get on outside of the greenhouse.

Back inside, Bunnykins was busy with a project she had come up with to make a box room for one of her dolls (Millie).

Mark had got Woo to collect some wild garlic and was doing his usual weekend thing of blitzing up some pesto. 

I suggested that we head to the park for lunch, so we could try the extended weekend menu. 

It was really nice. Mark and I had Shashouka, Woo had a chorizo hash which she was really pleased with and Bunnykins stuck with the faithful old classic toastie. 

Back home, I got the planting all finished and sat a while to admire my pots. 

Mark brought had been baking cinnamon swirls and brought one out for me.  

He went off on his bike to pick up his glasses. As he was on the way back the heaven's opened. It was pouring with rain and hailing. This picture does not show how ridiculous it was. Hail was bouncing up off the grass. Miraculously it was so concentrated that Mark didn't get wet at all. I was stood ready with a towel as he arrived, but it had already died down completely and he was puzzled with what I was up to!

Bunnykins showed us her work on Millie's room, before we all settled down to watch Baby Driver. Another great film that the girls were engrossed with. 

On Sunday Mark was up early for a BTR run in the Brecon Beacons. 

I woke quite early myself and got up to prune the Forsythia.

Bunnykins spent much of the morning carrying on with her craft - making a little ladder and chair. She was also making light fittings and a mural for the last wall. 

I hung out some washing, and made some lunch. 

After lunch, Woo helped me with more washing. We had a chat with our neighbour over the fence. Woo suggested that we pick some rhubarb and asked if she could try something I had told her about. When I was growing up a great treat would be to be given a stick of rhubarb and a cup of sugar. 

It isn't massively healthy, but I said she could give it a go. She was a fan. But I was clear it wasn't something she was going to be having again any time soon! 😄