TeamChallis: Week 54 - Easter Weekend

The week started with good weather. I noticed more of my bulbs just about to burst into flower.

While out there I wanted to take some pictures of my hyacinths which have been a delightful revelation. The smell out on the deck on a calm day is so beautiful. For me it isn't overpowering, but there is just enough suggestion of it to make me feel delirious as I inhale a lungful and know I can almost bathe in it - not use it up.

I had to work late on Monday, so missed Ukers. As I write this now (on Saturday), it all feels long ago, tbh, it felt long ago once I had got beyond it...In short by bedtime on Monday I got myself into a state, that might be better understood by the term panic attack, though I don't know that is a complete description.

The working day had felt overwhelming. I knew that for the week I had two big deadlines, with concerns about both. My day was full of meetings as Mondays currently always are. I also had an almost continuous feed of messages and e-mails asking me for things. Often small: answer a question, schedule some time in for the team for a new project, could I help pick up a bid, response needed by a client, someone had asked a team for help but not got a response - could I do anything? and so on...

And then a meeting that had been squeezed into one of my only half hour gaps - turned quite difficult. A frustrated director, demanding help, going back on what they had just said when I questioned them on it, getting upset with the other person on the call for something that seemed historical. It all got smoothed over, but the feeling of it stayed with me.

So, as I went to bed my head was full of voices. Now these aren't the kind of voices that are going to tell me to rob a bank. These voices are conversations in my own head, nothing unusual. But I have had this thing since I was young, that when stressed the sound of thoughts in my own head can take on a disturbing sound and sensation. It is like every thought is spoken in a loud, aggressive monotone. It closes in until I feel like I am locked in a small room with people berating me in these flat, hideous, slow but pressing voices. And while I know I can't hear it for real, the sensation becomes so strong that it takes on a sensory quality that makes it feel real.

I couldn't get out of it. I tried to start some mindfulness meditation. It is supposed to be:

5 things I can see
4 things I can feel
3 things I can hear
2 things I can smell
1 thing I can taste

All that was happening was that the words "5 things I can" got stuck in a loop in my head in this same driving, monotone yell. "5 things I can, 5 things I can, 5 things I can, 5 things I can...". I tried to break out of it, but I just couldn't and ended up crying in frustration.

I was able to explain enough to Mark. He tried to help me find somewhere happy for my mind to go. At first there was quite a false start. He began with Mauritius and being on the beach - nice, but then threw in snorkeling, not realising that every time we went snorkeling I had been rigid with fear (not just when I swam over a Stone Fish), and that the sound of my breathing was that of hyperventilation!!

He changed track and reminded me of Fanore Beach in Ireland. He reminded me of the time shown in the photos below when Woo was just 1yr old. That beach was flat and empty, the sky was grey almost a mist over everything. Hardly any objects, just us, the white sky, beige sand and grey sea crashing in softly and rhythmically.

It was chilly. Woo had been snuggling in my arms and we were cuddling and laughing. Mark took these pictures. It was a very happy moment.

It did the trick, my brain was released and I was able to relax and then to sleep.

Tuesday was forecast to be warm. Hot even. 20degC. The forecast was right. It was a beautifully sunny day. Mark and I sat outside at lunch.

It was nice to take the time. The cherry tree was just about to burst.

It reminded me of the Larkin poem which is a favourite of Mark's:

The Trees

The trees are coming into leaf

Like something almost being said;

The recent buds relax and spread,

Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again

And we grow old? No, they die too,

Their yearly trick of looking new

Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh

In fullgrown thickness every May.

Last year is dead, they seem to say,

Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

Mark had to go off and sort out some various errands. So I volunteered to pick up Bunnykins as otherwise he wasn't going to be finished until the early hours.

I also made the tea (whilst in a meeting with my colleague David), then the girls and I sat down to eat outside. The temperature was blissful. The air was so still.

I knew after last night that it wasn't sensible to work late. I knew the weather would make it worse - how much I was resenting what I was being forced to do. And I realised that I wasn't being forced. I wanted to keep ahead of my tasks in what I knew was a busy week. But if some things didn't get done - the world would not end. And as it stood - I may still get everything done anyway.

So after tea, I got my book and just sat out and read. Woo joined me and brought her book too.

It was perfect, so calming: reading and occasionally chatting.

Wednesday was warm again, though not quite as tropical as the day before. The day proceeded in a very similar style to Monday - work wise. Mark had made tea but was then off for a run.

The girls and I sat out again to eat.

Once I had finished eating, I sat and relaxed a little while the girls got the washing in. But I knew it was only temporary - I would have to go in and do more work. Woo came to join me and asked what was the matter. I said I didn't want to go inside and work.

She suggested that I work outside - which actually struck me as a great idea.

I got the laptop, blankets, and the little moon and got a good deal of work done (particularly clearing the backlog of requests and actions that had built during the day).

It felt good to be outside. I could still appreciate the mild, still, and fragrant air while I worked.

Thursday turned cold. Colder than it was forecast.

In the morning I noticed that the first cherry blossoms had burst out - clearly encouraged by the mild weather of the previous days.

This day felt like a Friday. There was a deadline I was heading to, and unfortunately, still a lot to do.

I pushed through the day. Mark was in London. I had a fairly short lunch, but I knew I could get to the end of the day if my luck held. By and large it did. I sent off a chunky proposal (the second of my deadlines) at just before 5:30pm and started to shut down. It felt like I had been swimming to shore - I could see it all day, but was having to power through breakers and just trust I had enough energy left.

Ben arrived early, i.e. 5:30 not 5:45 - which sent me into a mini meltdown. But I soon got everything organised and us both settled so I could finally start to breathe free air again. Four days ahead of me where I could rest and let work go. This long weekend was a chance to sit on this island and recuperate. I would be back in the water next week, but for now I could just be.

It was cold outside, the wind was pretty keen. I had put a veggy chilli in the slow cooker. It felt like a treat to be sitting out and eating it and talking to Ben despite the cold. I am a lucky person to have all this.

I wanted to play all the favorites that we had been doing over zoom recently. Most of them from a Ukulele Lockdown song book.

Norwegian Wood

Harvest Moon

Mr Rock & Roll

White Flag

Feeling Good

Now with the clocks changed it wasn't the dark that stopped us, but the realisation we were freezing!

Friday was Good-Friday. The start of the 4-day weekend.

We had a fair lay-in and then Mark made us pancakes. The girls had various things that they wanted/needed to do indoors. Mark and I went out to work in the garden. We were working on putting an edge to the new flower bed and preparing the ground to plant.

It had been forecast as cold, but the sun came out and in the spot by the greenhouse, it was lovely in the sunshine. I sat and read for a while. Knowing the long weekend was coming up (and having finished my trilogy of Ursula K Le Guin books earlier in the week), I had ordered two more books. I am working back through her canon in chronological order (skipping over the classics that I started with).

I had ordered the Lathe of Heaven, and The Word for World is Forest. They had arrived on Thursday which was well timed.

I started with the Lathe of Heaven sat out on the bench and was gripped immediately. Mark carried on working, and at some point disappeared inside. I sat reading until Woo called me in wanting my help.

She had started cutting Mark's hair and was a little perturbed as to how it was going. She was doing a great job, but it can look a little tuffty and worrying half way through!

The work Mark had done on the new bed was looking really good, and with the lawn mown it was starting to feel neat and controlled out there.

On Saturday, I woke up early (7ish) and felt wide awake. Mark was sound asleep so I tried to creep out quietly and went for a run. I got round the park a couple of times. My heart rate was right up in peak, but I kept going. I was pleased given I haven't run for quite a while it feels.

I went back home where the house was still quiet so I read a while by the back window.

I didn't want to do much work, I really just wanted to read. But I spent a bit of time after breakfast clearing up the area by the greenhouse. I tidied away some of the rubbish from the garden into the bin and then had a look at what pots I had kicking about that I might use for some plants for this area later in the year.

Meanwhile, Mark and Woo went off on a bike ride to forage for some wild garlic so Mark could make pesto.

Now with the garden cleared of some of the rubbish that had been waiting for bin space, I felt even more pleased with it. I know it is about having an environment that is protected and on which I can excerpt some sense of control. I think that is what a garden is - a space to excerpt control over nature - ideally with the aim of making something enjoyable.

Sunday was Easter Sunday. I had set out some presents for the girls and Mark, and I even got my own little pile added. 😋

We got chocolates for the girls but I had also got Woo an embroidery kit and some Lego for Bunnykins with a cherry blossom tree for Lego Town.

We had an egg hunt out in the garden:

Then the girls sat down with their chocolate and non chocolate gifts.

I had been stressing the night before that I hadn't planned any nice lunch for Easter Sunday. I grew up with Sunday lunches being a lovely family thing. Probably loads of work for my poor Mum, but delicious. And then on Easter, it would probably have been even more special with family all around. I hadn't done that for my kids, which made me feel bad and also I felt very outside of things. All around the UK - there would be people having roast lamb and roast potatoes and roast whatever else. I knew if we had beans on toast I would feel miserable even though there was no logic to that (besides me not liking baked beans that much).

Anyway, Mark and Woo went out to Frisbee practice. Bunnykins and I walked down to drop off some chocolates for the Dicksons. We sat in the garden for an hour with a drink. It was really lovely to see them.

Then Bunnykins and I walked home. It was a beautifully sunny day. We stopped in the local Sainsbury's. As the only shop open there was a bit of a queue, but it wasn't long before we could get in and pick up some veg and meat. I had hoped to make cauliflower cheese - but there was no cauliflower so I got some tenderstem broccoli, beans, peas and baby sweetcorn. Mark had already dug up some potatoes and prepared them for roasting. I also grabbed a lump of beef that was about the only thing left but it was the right size; Bunnykins was OK with my buying it as long as it would all get eaten.

We walked home and I got cooking. It was a bit frantic, but as Woo and Mark got home I was nearly on the finishing straight. I had put a nut roast in for Bunnykins, got the roast potatoes going, made cheesy veg plus some steamed peas and baby sweetcorn. And it was all well cooked and pretty delicious if I say so myself!

Mark and the girls got us set up outside. It was a lovely meal. I was really pleased that I had made the effort.

While we sat there, a skywriter plane made smiley faces above us.

Then it was time for Bunnykins' Easter trail. We each had a type of post-it we had to find in each room. The post-it had a question, the first letter of each answer combined to make a word.

It was really good. Bunnykins couldn't decide who was the winner, so declared it was herself for making such a good trail - which we couldn't deny!

I then set off on my bike to meet Ben at Warmley station. I wanted to give him some Easter chocolates. He was there ahead of me and had got us a warm drink and cakes.

It was really nice to sit in the sun and catch up for an hour.

I cycled home and sat out on the bench. It was still chilly in the shade, but lovely with a blanket.

Mark brought me out a passionfruit cocktail as a sundowner - proper living!

Then at 6pm we tuned into a McMillan family Easter zoom. Woo suggested we stay outside, which was a great idea.

Even though the girls don't join in much, they do still enjoy these calls. Woo chuckles away at the chat and they both like spotting their cousins on screen and occasionally waving and answering questions.