Monday
We were booked into stand up paddle boarding on Derwent Water out of Keswick. We woke at 7am and got breakfast and ready. We were at the meeting spot early and Joe our guide suggested we drive down to the National Trust car park on the lake.
We drove back home. I had been quite worried about Mark taking his phone out onto the water - "Oh heck! Do be careful!!!" etc. etc. Got home and the first thing I did was manage to drop my phone in the loo!!! I was devastated. First off, the thought of not having my phone was panic worthy. I do back up my photos every day, and I would't really loose anything data wise - but it was just the thought of not having that connection - particularly my beloved WhatsApp and conversations with my friends.
In addition, the fact that it was now a wee phone - even if it had survived - yeah - I was not happy with that at all. So anyway, I wiped it down best I could and we wrapped it in kitchen towel and then put it in a box filled with salt.
We played some games by the fire then had tea. We had a look on the smart telly for some film options. We ended up with Karate Kid, which tbh I really enjoyed as did the girls. I had forgotten how funny it was. Woo kept doing an excellent impression of the scowl of the leader of the nasty Dojo. It was really a lovely evening.
Tuesday
We knew that the weather on Tuesday was going to be shocking. Rain, rain, rain, and if it wasn't raining it would be thunder and lightening storms. On a normal holiday, we would find a museum or two, an art gallery, maybe look in some tourist shops and go to a cafe. But this is a covid-19 holiday, so as unnatural as it felt - we knew the sensible thing to do was not seek out any indoor entertainment as it would be rammed with all the other holiday makers, especially in the Lake District where everything seems busy. So we just stayed at the cottage.
We had a lazy breakfast followed by a game of sardines. When Bunnykins suggested it, I can't say I was massively enthusiastic. But it was really funny. The cottage is quite small, but it does have a few good hiding places. We all started off in the kitchen. Woo went off first, then after a minute - Bunnykins went to look for Woo- when she found her she was supposed to hide with her (though Woo was in a small cupboard so Bunnykins went under the nearby bed). Mark then went to look and joined Bunnykins. So I was left to last, I went around the house looking for them. Next time, I went off first and hid under the stairs under a blanket. Bunnykins found me immediately and was unimpressed with my obvious hiding place. She joined me, but I just couldn't help giggling - it was just so funny having Bunnykins squished in with me. When Mark when off first he left funny decoys, which had me giggling as I went round looking.
The last round was impressive; Bunnykins went off first and hid on a window ledge. She had also stuffed some decoy socks which really made me giggle when I found them. She instructed Woo and I to hide behind the door in the bathroom. Again I couldn't stop giggling.
We got dressed. I suggested that we did some painting. Bunnykins wasn't keen but the rest of us sat in the kitchen drawing and painting.
We played some cards after lunch.
We then watched an old version of Wuthering Heights for a while.
I saw a red squirrel in the garden. Mark had nipped out to Penrith to pick up some DVDs from Argos for the journey home.
When he got back we started organising tea using up the food we have. While I carried on with that. Mark took the girls to visit the farm owned by David our host. He showed them round the milking parlour and they fed some baby cows and chatted about the whole operation.
It was a really odd kind of day, we're not used to being so inactive or unproductive, and it did feel odd not to be "making the most" of being in the Lake District by visiting something - but I am sure it was the right decision and it was really quite nice for being so different.
Wednesday
I then got on with sorting out some school uniform related stuff. I checked Bunnykins' uniform. Her shirts were fine - I think I must have replaced those earlier this year. But her skirts were ridiculously short on her - it was laughable the extent of the bum show! I got online to try and order some longer length skirts in bigger sizes. She was keen for a pinafore...ideally in grey pleather with big pockets and no hearts or bows...I mean I love her style, but I didn't think her headmaster was going to let that fly no matter how wipe clean and practical it is. Anyway I ordered a few things (no pleather).
Woo was OK with shirts and her skirt and jumper. Her skirt had been so long when we first bought it, it may well see her out. We had replaced shirts also and I had bought a new jumper this year. Her blazer is a big problem. It was getting too small as we started the school year, so around November I ordered her a new one. It took absolutely ages...so much so that by the time it came it was March and it arrived with a note saying that they were closing and returns could be sorted when they opened again but if it had been bought the year previous then it was out of the returns period and couldn't be returned. What a f-ing ridiculous situation to receive an item that has been delayed by 5months with a note saying that because it was ordered so long ago - it couldn't be returned! And of course this stupid thing didn't fit. So in exasperation I put it in the wardrobe to wait until they opened before I could complain. So we got both blazers out. The old one is hilarious - it's what I might call a fashionable 3/4 length sleeve now...nearly up to her elbows...and across the shoulders she looks like the hulk in it. The new one has sleeves that are nearly long enough - but not really - but across the chest it can wrap around her twice! 😖 Let's add to this farce the fact that her school are undergoing a consultation on name change. Woo of course is quite stressed by the idea of wearing either blazer but I can't go and buy a third! Especially not when in all likelihood the uniform will be changing by the end of the school year.
It hit me just how soon they were going back to school. For Bunnykins it will be in a week's time. I am not too worried about her going back, because getting her to school is straightforward and she does brilliantly at school and she is keen to go back and be in year 6 and be with her friends and she is happy about the choice of secondary school we will have to make soon. It feels sudden on the back of this holiday and it has been such a long time we have been away - but it will be better for her as homeschooling hasn't sat so well with her.
But for Woo, the big issue is transport. She would normally go on the bus. At this point I don't know what we will do. I need to check with her friend's mums what they are all doing. I could drive her for a while but it isn't really a long term solution. We had a long document from the school going into how they will work the arrangements for return. She is in a year group bubble and they will stay in a limited number of classrooms. She was most concerned about where she would meet her friends as they normally met in the library which wont be available to them in that way. I feel happy that the arrangements from the school are sound and that she will be safe at school. But she has been really happy doing homeschooling. She has benefited from not feeling like she is being observed and judged for her handwriting or being slower with maths. Going back brings alot more uncertainty for her and I feel it too. She is going to be fine, but it is unsettling.
I don't know what is happening with my work either. There is this sense of everything going "back to normal" but nothing is normal and it is not safe.
I felt exhausted by the evening. We all sat down to watch the first part of the Star Wars box set we picked up. Then after the kids were to bed, Mark and I watched our 2 Buffy's. That was kind of nice to get back to. But I am struggling with normal at the moment.
Thursday
Well Thursday was an interesting day. I woke up with the feeling that I needed to get back into my previous routine, but struggling to move a muscle and get out of bed. In a week's time a whole new routine will be needed so what was the bloody point anyway and I have no idea what is happening. I hate the feeling of not having a plan, it feels so out of control. I got myself up though and did my walking workout, a little later than usual but done nonetheless. I blogged, caught up with some friends on WhatsApp, sorted out the washing, did some yoga and then had a shower. But, I was still feeling crushingly low. This issue of the person I spoke about last week was still rumbling. More messages trying to impose blame and responsibility on me for their mortality and mental health (effectively because once when they had asked if they could send me a video, I had said "thanks for asking, but no, I am going on holiday with my girls, it's all too overwhelming for me and I need a break. I will pick it up from your page when I can". The result has continued to be messages telling me to f-off, that I'm not welcome at their funeral, that they'll never forgive me for the health of random people I don't know, that I am ignorant, that I am silencing them. I muted it while I was away, but on checking in on my return it was all there, exploding in my face. It is hard to respond. I want to walk away, but I also know that I have to do it in as kind a way as possible, as this is a mentally unstable young person. But these things they say don't just bounce off without leaving a mark as much as I can reject it cognitively and try and respond in kind and measured ways. So anyway, this was a black cloud over me as I battled to silence the conversations in my head with them.
Bunnykins and I popped out just before lunch. We were under the impression we could now get to the library, but it wasn't possible without an appointment. We went to the co-op to pick up some food for lunch and tea. The weather had started OK ish in the morning, but by about 11 it was throwing it down without a break.
We had lunch. The girls were busy in their rooms. Woo was trying to catch up on some maths work before school starts and Bunnykins was reading. I had been looking forward to seeing Ben later, but not sure what was happening as I had just heard that his sister, who has had recent and significant mental health problems, had gone missing. He was at his parents (neither of who can drive at the moment), the police were out looking for her and he had been out on foot but was soaked. I suggested I picked him up and that we could drive around looking for her. I didn't have anything else to do with my afternoon and this seemed an excellent use of my time. Even without the need and urgency of finding his sister, I would much rather drive around with Ben than sit mulling over all this other stuff.
I picked him up and we set off tracing quite a random seeming path across Downend, Mangotsfield and Bromley Heath. He was trying to think of routes she might have walked previously and places she'd been found before (so at one point we were cruising around the cemetery). The rain was relentless. A few times we parked and jumped out to investigate a particular park or space. Each time we did we were drenched. She had been out since 9am without a coat and without any money or anything. She had a bad leg that was all bandaged up. Her parents were convinced she wouldn't have gone far, but still we found nothing. I was starting to get very worried, but needed to keep Ben calm. I suggested he put something on Facebook. Just asking if anyone had seen her, and giving a description. It worked well; a cousin uploaded a photo to it, it was shared several times; lots of people were seeing the post. By 4pm we came back to Page Park as it was a place she used to walk her parent's dog. As we pulled up the car, Karen saw us and ran in to get something she had had made for Ben.
It was such a lovely boost for him. I knew that she had gone and got a t-shirt made for him as she had spoken to me about it. She had done t-shirts for her ladies at her groups - but they were all ladies sizing. Ben had said something about wishing he could have one. She had gone and had one made especially with his name on. She is just absolutely gorgeous inside and out. 💗
We walked around the park, and talked to the lady closing up at the cafe as to whether she had seen anything during the day. We then went to check out where his Nan used to live. At that point we saw on Facebook that someone had thought they had seen a lady fitting the description (tall, red jumper, hair up in a bun) and a bit like the photo, on Badminton Road heading out towards Yate at Colepit Heath. This is a good way from Downend. It is over the ring road. We got quickly back to the car and drove out that way.
At traffic lights I saw a woman who seemed to fit, though in my mind I wasn't sure as I had been visualising a much brighter red jumper (hers was a dark maroon) - isn't that strange how your brain gets a mental image from a small description. She was now walking back towards home. Nearby was an old man in a red raincoat on crutches. Ben was looking on his phone to try and find how close we were to where she had been sighted. So when I said "is that her?" he thought I meant the old man. As we left the junction I asked again and said not the old guy on crutches. He couldn't see. But as I described her, including her having a large stomach (she is gaunt but has a growth on her stomach), he knew it was her. The road was really busy and a main road so it took a moment (which obviously seemed like an age) to find a spot to turn around. I pointed her out as we got back to the same junction. He recognised her and again I needed to keep him calm. I said I wasn't just going to screech up beside her on the main road. I didn't want her to be startled. So I said I was going to pull into a side road a little ahead of her. Ben jumped out of the car without his phone, but taking the blanket I threw at him. I think it was certainly better that she could see him coming.
I turned the car around in the road and parked. I called his parents. It has been a joke previously that I know his lock shape on his phone. I sometimes go on and take stupid selfies - fortunately he hadn't changed it. I spoke to his Dad and said we had found her and that they could let the police know. I wasn't sure she would get in my car. We've met only once before, but I know some of the details of her anxieties. Ben was walking her to the car, she was exhausted. Shuffling along and completely bedraggled. She was soaked like you can hardly imagine. I was just glad that the air temperature was relatively mild. I said hello and that we had met before, I could tell how tired she was when she just said "thank you" and "go home now". She got in the car and Ben spoke to his parents (who I'd kept on the speaker phone) to say we were bringing her back to them.
It took about 10 minutes to drive her home. Her mum came out, and her reaction made me well up; I think only then did I let the seriousness of it hit me - before that I needed to be calm and entirely logical. I was so glad we had found her. She was so far from home, so lost in her head and so wet and cold and hurting. Ben went in with her and I drove home for tea. It wasn't anything like our normal Thursday, but I was so glad that I had been able to help.
I was shattered. The girls suggested we watched Star Wars Part 2 - this seemed an excellent idea and I snuggled up on the bean bag on the floor under a blanket. I think helping Ben's sister had managed to calm my mind considerably. But part of it, I know, was me talking in my head to the world saying "hey, there you go, I am a good person, this proves it!!". Again cognitively I know I don't have to take responsibility for the mental health of people who say crazy, untrue things about me, and I have nothing to prove and nothing to defend myself against, but feeling judgement from the world at large is an ever present demon for me.
Friday
I went out for my run, it was a bit of a struggle, but I need to get back into it. I woke the girls, had breakfast, chatted with Ben and Stella and then ordered more school uniform as requested by Woo. Sorted out more washing, did my 10 minute yoga and then had a shower.
Oh and meanwhile I had seen a post by this person saying about how it was OK to mute chats with them and they understood that everyone couldn't talk always and had their own things going on and it was important to be kind. I thought - great - they have woken up from their mania a bit and have come around to being able to have a bit of tolerance when people can't give them everything they want. I liked the post. Only to then find another torrent of abuse telling me that they had never meant to hurt me but I was so ignorant and the same old stuff. I had been talking to Stella about it which had really helped me realise that I was not going mad or being mean by having boundaries. I know all the stuff that you are supposed to do and say when you have someone with a personality disorder who effectively is trying to keep you trapped in this cycle of chaos and manipulation. But it is hard to do it in practice. I really needed to hear it from Stella that it was OK to walk away. So I sent a final message saying that I had to walk away, that I couldn't help them and that I hoped they would get the help they needed. I then left the group chats they had added me to, un-followed and un-friended. I saw a message in response to me saying I was "bloody unkind", but I suppose I should be thankful that it wasn't expletive laden. I felt relief. I know it will still weigh on me for a while, but I have been through this sort of thing before and after a while the conversations in my head go quiet. I just have to keep practicing the mindfulness.
We had lunch and I joined Ben's Ukulele Skype group for half an hour. Then Bunnykins and I went down to Hannah's house to take M out up to the park while Hannah worked. It has been shocking weather since we got back but it was fairly dry when we arrived.
Then suddenly the heavens opened. We all sheltered under a tree a while. It only lasted about 10 minutes. The kids played a bit more but then were getting cold so we called it a day.
When I got back, Mark then went out to get the shopping. We had very little food in, so I was waiting for him to return with some oven ready takeaway type food. We had our tea and then it was time for a bit more Star Wars.
Saturday
I got up, showered and dressed. I was feeling good; the sun was shining and I was going to meet Hannah at our happy place for breakfast. The air was fresh, it felt almost autumnal which is a bit crazy for August, but anyway. I walked down to meet her there at 9:30am. When I arrived the doors were still shut and I was first there, so I watched some kids playing cricket at the club opposite, it was a lovely scene - a beautiful morning for it.
Hannah arrived and we went in and ordered a couple of full English breakfasts. I apologised in advance and said she needed to stop me if I was talking her ear off as I had so much to talk about. She was lovely (as always) and listened to all my stories from our holiday, then what has been happening with this facebook person and then the story with Ben's sister. When I finally finished I felt relieved for getting it all out. It was great to talk it through with her. We talked about her stuff too (eventually!) and school starting back and all that kind of stuff. My breakfast was stone cold by the time I finished eating it as I was yacking so much. It was 11:30 when we left.
We got cat called as we crossed the road - which was a surprise more than anything. I don't even think they were joking as they were an older pair of guys.
We popped into the two Downend charity shops. It was really nice to be doing some sort-of normal stuff.
Sunday
We went back for lunch and then I read a while. At 3pm I had arranged to speak with Stella. We chatted on the phone for ages. This was unusual in itself - I am so used to everything being video this and video that! 😀😄 But it was just lovely. I can always just talk and talk with Stella, and I love to listen to her too. She is very wise and I always appreciate how she sees the world. We have a similar sense of humor and there are always things that make us both giggle - I love to hear the humor in her voice as a story of hers builds.
Tea was basically lunch's leftovers made into quick nacho toppings. Bit of a classic Sunday evening for us. I then needed to order some socks for Bunnykins...oh the glamor. She showed me the pirate hat that had been made for Chompsky (Rusty's best bud) and Roo Roo's finished cape.
Then at 7pm had a chat with the mummies. In the end it was just me, Naomi and Sharon. It was really nice to catch up about holidays and school stuff. I certainly feel grateful for being able to chat to so many lovely people today. 💗
No comments:
Post a Comment