Week 8. Masks
On the Monday I got round to contacting one of the CCLL hosts, Kath, who speaks Russian to ask her to translate the letter from Dziana. I quickly got the following translation from Kath:
Hello.
It was very nice to receive your letter. Thank you very much
for it. I’m very happy to know you have not forgotten me.
At school everything is fine. This year I’m already going
into the 9th grade. I will be leaving home after 11am. My school work is going
well. I will leave school after the 11th grade.
I enjoy being taking part in folk creativity - singing and
dancing. I’ve also discovered one more activity - table tennis. Soon I will
take part in a tournament with my team. I took the 3rd place when I competed
before.
I haven’t seen you for 3 and a half years. We pass on our
greetings for all the festivities that have happened in that time.
I wish you happiness and health and of course, good luck.
With love,
Diana
Happy Christmas and New Year! Xxx
I went onto the CCLL facebook page to get some photos for Woo relating to the life the girls have. I found these pictures - the first taken from when Simon visited recently and picked up the present and letter for us from Dziana. A family meal at her home:
Dziana (in the glasses) with her sister and Simon.
Simon and Dziana:
And again with the presents!:
These other pictures were from a year or two earlier when the CCLL Bristol chair Andy had visited.
Andy with Vasilina who was the other girl we hosted that first year.
They were both such lovely girls. It was such a wrench to say goodbye to them.
The two girls to the right of the picture below are Nastia and Violetta who were the second pair of girls we hosted. This was a different experience as they were such close friends that they didn't really feel the need to interact with us very much - they were just so happy playing with the lego and chatting away quietly to each other. It was still a lovely visit and I also missed them when they left.
Last year we hosted Albina and Helena.
Albina:
Helena:
That was a really stressful visit. Albina was such a lovely girl - full of enthusiasm and love and energy. But I think she also had quite alot of difficulties, possible ADHD and attachment related issues. In Belarus those things would not be recognised at all and she was just known as the "naughty girl" at school - the one always getting into trouble. I could understand it, how it happens I mean if the people around her don't recognise that a difficult upbringing can lead to trauma that has a distinct impact on how a person relates to other people and what they need to do to stimulate themselves or feel calm or comforted. Albina was difficult; entirely lovable and such a kind hearted girl. But her need for supervision and entertainment and support was non stop. I felt glad that she had come to us. We are some of the youngest hosts and I have some understanding of these issues via learning from close friends. I am not saying that I really know what it is like - in the way that parents of children who struggle with ADHD, or attachment or autism know. But, some of the CCLL hosts are from a completely different generation of parenting and the kind of things that Albina would do and the kind of support she needed would have just sent them through the roof. Tbh, maybe that would be OK, because she would be entirely used to that way of thinking about dealing with her - all focused around discipline. It made me so upset to think about how she might be treated back home or in school. I felt unsure that any sensitivity and understanding I showed would have any long term impact. But you have to go with what you think is best. So I tried to think of more therapeutic responses to her then just blowing a gasket myself. It was a long two weeks. It was during that time also that my Grandma's funeral took place. I remember thinking how crackers it was that getting an overnight break to attend the funeral felt like such a relief and such a break from caring for Albina. She and Helena went to stay with a buddy family overnight - which I was massively grateful that that support was available.
I have barely said anything about Helena - but then that was the impact of Albina - her requirements took centre stage. Helena was a polite and sweet girl. Getting to know her was eclipsed by the constant demands of caring for Albina. It is a shame, as that two weeks were really difficult. As hosts we don't get training to deal with children with difficult backgrounds - even though it is something that is very likely given the difficulties so many of the families face. Alcoholism is a massive problem. Both parents may be working long shifts to make enough to support the family. Older girls usually are given large responsibilities for caring for younger siblings and housework. Disease and illness continues to be a huge issue for all the population, meaning that having deceased parent or parents is not uncommon.
Back to Woo's project. She had to make an artwork to represent an issue she would stand up for. She decided to create something related to CCLL. She used a photo frame page, with a picture of her from the back to the side of it to make it look like she was looking in a mirror. Reflected in the mirror would be Dziana. In the background would be images of Dziana's life and country. The idea being that Woo and Dziana had so much in common at a basic level - but the background that Dziana came from was unfair and something that Woo has never really experienced.
As Woo was working very hard at this, we got a postcard from her German teacher. I have been proud of Woo too. She has worked hard. We are very lucky that she has a comfortable room and desk to work at, she has a laptop and internet connection and she has me hanging around. So many kids are really struggling just to get the basic tools they need. And many have parents who are too busy with the jobs they have to keep going, and for some they are in difficult family situations. So Woo is starting from a solid base. But given all that, I am still really proud of the effort that she has put in.
Bunnykins found a great button to make the wheel and also thought about using some very thin wire (from reinforcing a ribbon) to make a needle.
The roses in our front garden are beautiful at this time of the year. I love the contrast too between how full the first one is - so stuffed with petals - compared with how sparse (but also pretty) the other rose is. They both have their own beauty.
I love this view from our front room window. I do my yoga in this room on a Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning (unless it is warm enough to get out to the deck). It is a peaceful view to look out at even with people passing - it's still very shielded by the lovely trees we have.
Tuesday lunchtime we had another pack-up lunch and headed to the front room for another field trip. This time it was a documentary about Rembrant.
In the afternoon I helped Woo with a bit more coding
And then later, Bunnykins and I went out to see if we could find any clues as to what the gates were memorialising on the park. We found a date on the gates - 1931 - but no other information. Having a quick google we found out that Alderman Page had died in 1928 and did wonder if they were in his memory - though we concluded it would probably have been good to make that more obvious 😁.
On Wednesday afternoon, Bunnykins wanted to make a mannequin for her Sullvanians' shop. My poor old flower fairies from when i was the girls' age have been through the mill a little. One was missing legs and with a quick pull...her head was gone also....
Bunnykins cut some fabric to cover the torso - which i thought was a really nice effect
We found an odd bit of plastic and some beads to make a base.
Bunnykins also wanted to make some pins for the Sullvanian's sewing set.
Items in place:
She also decided to make a chessboard with hama beads.
Woo meanwhile was getting on with re-doing an art project.
Bunykins wanted to make some pencils for her Sullvanians.
And felt that the final result really captured the character of the sitters.
Thursday evening was time for my lesson with Ben. We are practicing alot of our Ukuleleland songs, thinking about being ready to perform when the lockdown ends; I can't wait for that.
Bunnykins had started work on a new project - we are going to create a film with her Sullvanians. She was working on a storyboard plan for the film with notes on music and dialogue. Our plan is to make a stop motion animation - we'll see how that goes next week.
Saturday morning I got up and did my walking workout. Then decided to get on with making some face coverings. The latest guidance is that for going into enclosed spaces with others e.g. shops, masks or face coverings are recommended - more to protect other people than yourself.
I wanted to make a mask for Mark. The first pattern I used was rubbish. While I was working away Bunnykins joined me and was making sandwiches for her Sullvanians from an old sponge - she has certainly got the crafting bug.
I found a new pattern to work to that was much more successful. https://media.immediate.co.uk/volatile/sites/32/2020/04/How-to-make-a-face-mask-e72652a.pdf
Woo joined us to hang around and make herself a bracelet.
The pattern includes a pocket for a kitchen towel filter and a channel to slip in some wire that can be used to better fit the covering to the face.
After I made the first one and was happy with the pattern, I decided to make more. First off, to make Mark a second one. Then decided to make one for myself, then Ben, then Claire. I made one for Hannah - but Woo decided she wanted that one and Bunnykins liked the look of Claire's 😂. So then I did another batch with another one for Claire and Hannah, and one for Jason and also Stella.
Mark modelling his before testing it out on a shop run.
From left to right masks for: Jason, Hannah, Stella, Mush, Me, Woo, Bunnykins, Ben, Mark (again) and Claire.
Mine:
It was funny to be working on the masks. I decided that each person needed their own unique fabric choice. Some were based on just what aesthetics they might like - trying to find something suitably masculine for Jason for example! Hannah's (second one after Woo stole the first) was chosen to match the visor I made her for her birthday last year). Claire's was chosen to be bright and exuberant, happy and colourful - that is how I think of her. Stella's was particularly special. As soon as I saw the fabric in the box I knew that I must use that one. I had originally bought the fabric when I was a teenager back in the Barton on Humber red cross shop. Stella was probably with me - we pretty much lived in that shop😁. I had made a shift dress from the fabric - which was the first major sewing project I did clothes wise. I wore the dress to school and I remember, while I was in the girl's loos - that a girl from 6th form said that she liked the dress. I was so proud. That link to the past - to Barton and the red cross shop and Stella, to those memories - makes the fabric really special.
I thought about the talismanic qualities of the fabric and how the careful choice for each person felt like i wanted to give each mask power to protect my loved ones. It is a timeless and universal instinct to want to protect and to create charms and protective or ceremonial clothing. It struck me just how this is how it felt for me. I can do very little for these people right now - but I can do this. I got into a sewing mania - so focused on this task.
As a delightful break on Sunday - Hannah came up to say hello and pick up the masks for her and Jason. The rules on lockdown have changed since last weekend. You are now allowed to meet with one other person (so only 2 people meeting) if you are outside and maintain your 2m distance. Mark carefully brought out a garden chair and made some space in anticipation of her arrival.
It was so nice to chat without the delay of the internet. We will certainly do it again. Maybe next time with 🍷😃
Jason very pleased with his mask 😀
Mark made some excellent scones - I ended up having two they were so good.
And Sunday was finished off as usual with a mummies chat.
Well not quite finished off. Shortly after putting the girls to bed I found myself having a panic attack. I was trying to rush around and get things done for the girls but I could feel that I should be downstairs relaxing and time was ticking by and then there were other messages coming in and I just felt overwhelmed with all the things I want to do and am supposed to do and the timetable in my head and the lack of time I feel myself running to try and keep up with all these timeslots. I could hardly breathe, my heart was pounding. I just had to stop and do nothing - I couldn't take in any comforting words - i just needed the shutters up on all the outside world. It didn't take too long to bring myself back down. Mindfulness has been such a useful tool.
But I do still feel it today. It is a feeling that sits in my throat that could strangle me at any moment. I try to observe it and be as kind to myself as possible. Mondays are a busy day even when I am not doing consultancy work. I have this timetable running along in my head and there is so much I feel I should do. I do need to lower my expectations of what I have to do. Thing is that the stuff I write about here is all the stuff I want to do - all the craft all the connecting with people. And I want to do the blogging too. It is the washing and cooking and consultancy and running errands that I could do without. But this other stuff is actually the important stuff - the stuff that needs doing!
On that front I got a good bit of news this week. It looks likely I will be furloughed. Hopefully from the end of next week - but it is still to be decided. For many people, being furloughed would be really worrying and I appreciate that and don't want to be flippant or insensitive. The company that Mark and I work for have been hit by Covid-19 but they are managing to keep going well. A couple of people had been furloughed. This is where the government pays 80% of your salary to prevent you from being fired - but you can't work for the company during the fulough period - you are just held waiting to return. I had voluntarily dropped my hours at the start of this thing so I am on 2 days a week rather than 3 (the one day being unpaid). So to be furloughed would crazily mean getting better paid and not having to work. I knew this but didn't want to rush into that if it would be bad for the business. I have kept going because there were reasons why I couldn't hand over my projects. But I have now got them to a point where I could hand them to someone who is full time and needs the work to keep their hours up. I got agreement from my boss last week that if it worked for me (which it certainly does) that it would be beneficial for the company and they would be happy to support it. There are questions about what work I come back to. But for the moment those questions will remain regardless of if I stay with the current projects, as it is related to winning new business. I feel confident that will happen. I do feel a bit of a wimp sometimes over this. I feel like I will be judged poorly for taking this option. Maybe you can see a connection between this and the panic attacks - the needing to feel like I am doing everything right and fully and being this best untouchable version of a person.
Sometimes I am presenting this best and unquestionable version of myself here, but those parts are also true parts of me - things that I enjoy and value. It is just that there are other parts that it is possible to be less proud of - fear, panic, jealousy, weariness, weaknesses - but they are also part of who I am and who I am as a rounded human. I am finding that this lockdown is an opportunity to come face to face more often with those parts of myself and accept them - not need to justify them, or hide them.
