Monday
I had finally come round to the idea of setting an alarm for 6:30am. Turns out Bunnykins had set hers for 6:20am so I was still woken earlier 🙅 honestly, wtf! I jumped up to wake up Woo. She was already up and getting dressed. I was pleased to see that she looked pretty cheery. This was her first day back and she had been having some jitters about it. It's not surprising at all, she's really liked being at home and she hasn't seen any of her close friends from school. I have been saying that it is natural to feel nervous and that we just need to get today done - she will find out which things she is worried about are actually worth worrying about and then we will deal with the things we need to.
Breakfast went pretty smoothly, so she was all ready to go by just after 7am. She requested a balloon...I have no idea why, but if it kept her calm and happy...she can have a balloon!
I persuaded her to let me take photos. She didn't want them, but I did say that when she was older she would be looking back and giving me grief..."you clearly loved my sister more than me as you didn't take photos of me!". That was a convincing enough argument thankfully.
I can't help it, this one would have been from Woo going into year 2 I think, and Bunnykins would be last year of reception...or maybe it was the year before that? It's still too cute...
Woo normally travels in on the bus with E and E. There is now a little sister N going too. This week the parents are going to be taking them in and picking them up. Woo was picked up at 7:30am and away they all went.
It reminds me that I saw this photo online a few weeks ago. Woo will be spending most of her time in these older buildings and going in through the door here. There are much newer buildings on the site, but each year group is currently limited to a particular area of the school. Woo wasn't chuffed about getting the old buildings. They are atmospheric though. I guess atmosphere gets to be a pain in the butt after a while.
I walked Bunnykins down to school and we ran into Ursula and the twins. The kids all went in and Ursula and I walked a little way back together. I then set off running and had an extra run around the park. I jumped in the shower, then sorted out a UkuleleLand set list, did some blogging and sorted out a few other PC things.
At lunch Mark and I went across to the cafe, it was nice to chat and be out of the house together.
They all came out full of chat and enthusiasm, Woo was in a good mood which was nice to see.
Dropped everyone off then picked up Bunnykins from Hannah's. It was nice to see Hannah even if just briefly. Made the tea and we sat round talking about what had happened for each of the girls at school that day.
At about 6:30pm I drove off to UkuleleLand practice. It was an overcast evening, it had been raining heavily earlier and the air was still damp. The wind was quite strong too. We were all really keen to practice though as we have a gig at the weekend (fingers crossed) and this was the first week that Naomi was back from spending the summer at her caravan.
It was great to go through the set together. Some of the songs are sounding really good. They all sound good, but some are really good showcases for what we are actually good at. It is a good mix too of different ages and genres and each of us getting at least one moment leading with vocals. Different duets (Me and Naomi, Naomi and Ben, Me and Ben, Ben and Kevan) and a couple of songs where we all take vocal leads for sections.
By the time we were running through the last song though - the light was so dim that we were all playing with our noses in our song books in order to see. This was likely to be the last time playing outdoors for a good while. Not sure what we are going to be able to do instead.
Tuesday
Bunnykins woke at 4:30am with a bad dream. Mark went in to sit with her a while, but I couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't sleep in the end. I had woken from dreaming about my old teddy Curious George.
When Mum had gone into hospital she had taken Curious George with her - he was comforting her. He came with her to the nursing home but then went missing from her room. In my dream I had found him in an old bag and I just cried and cried with relief and joy. I couldn't shake this and thoughts of missing him, so when the alarms started going off at 6:30 I just felt wrecked.
Woo was picked up by Laura this morning. Then Bunnykins and I walked to school. I walked back today. When I got in, Mark suggested I take a nap as I was hanging. It was nice to rest though I don't think I slept. I did my 10 minute yoga and sorted out the laundry. Then tried to sort out some returns that are proving tricky and finished the blogging for yesterday. I had various ideas of things I could do with my day, but not much energy to actually get moving on them.
In the end I really didn't get much done. I did my yoga, re-potted a couple of plants, sorted out some laundry and then tbh (writing this the day after) I don't think I did anything else. I was just wacked.
A man came to fix our boiler...that was quite a highlight! The thought that we can now get reliable hot water is a joy.
I walked down to school to get Bunnykins. She wasn't impressed with me for having walked as she had had double PE (on top of walking to school in the morning). I wasn't that impressed with myself either and by the time we got home, I felt ready to collapse. Mark sorted out the tea which was really lovely of him. I just flomped about by the back door to the garden.
At 7pm I had a catch up with John and then went to say goodnight to the girls who were already gone to bed. I think they are feeling the pace of being back to school. I was off up to bed by 9:30pm and even that felt a bit late tbh.
Wednesday
Bloody alarm escalation!!! Bunnykins had set her alarm for 6:10am! We shut the doors when Mark and I go to bed for fire safety reasons, so when she gets up in the morning to go to the bathroom - her door is quite noisy to open. I was unimpressed, though I had slept much better for the main of the night.
Woo got picked up. Bunnykins and I walked to school. I then ran home and ran around the park. I just felt rubbish though. I am so slow, if I ran any slower I'd fall over, but I can hardly breathe! I am consciously breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth like I am on some endurance event - yet I struggle to overtake an old lady pulling her shopping trolley! Oh well, it is good for my bone density apparently and if I wasn't doing it then my health would be a lot worse.
Got a shower - a hot shower - bliss! Sorted out some washing - there are some seat covers well overdue a wash. Got the slow cooker on for tea. Then sorted out a load of online stuff.
At noon I had a teams call scheduled with Andy, my boss from Verco. A few hours before he asked if it was OK if Helen our HR lady joined. I should have seen that as a warning sign. I did realise as soon as we got underway what was going on; I've been in their shoes before and I could see the looks on their faces.
I have been put at notice of redundancy. I understand their explanation. There isn't the work coming in or in the pipeline that suits my skills. They are struggling generally to keep the ERM team busy and I am just too senior and too inflexible (the didn't say the senior and inflexible thing - but I know I am). I have put myself more in the path of this risk by requesting furlough and putting the kids and my mental health first. But doing it again with foresight - I wouldn't have done anything differently. I could have carried on working on the projects I had until they ran out - I would have got incredibly stressed - possibly spiraled back into a depressive state. The girls would have suffered and I would have been suffering. And it wouldn't have been good for Verco either. It would have come to this eventually.
There is a part of me that feels woken up to exciting opportunities. We are doing OK financially so there isn't a pressure to jump straight into something; I can take my time to think about what I really want to do and be a bit choosy - make a plan that works for me. There are certain elements I can imagine of a new job that feel really exciting and make me feel like it is time to go anyway. In the months since returning from my EngD there are some elements of working at Verco that have made me feel really down - feeling that I just didn't fit with some of the work I needed to do. I can look back at myself feeling like a wreck on one project (one day I was even bursting into tears during a client call and having to mute and turn of the video to compose myself). Meanwhile on another project which was working with Loughborough University to develop a bid to Innovate UK based on my EngD work - I felt in control, I was enthused, I was interested, I felt knowledgeable and I could see and communicate the bigger picture of what this work was about.
The idea of working from Bristol is exciting too. I hated that commute to Corsham. The buildings and countryside are beautiful there, but it is 45 minutes (each way) that just seem pointless. There have been times when that commute was becoming dangerous too - when I was struggling with some family issues going on at the end of last year - I would be completely stuck inside an argument in my head for the whole drive - crying, screaming - urgh I don't want to think about it. Ben was a great help - he would call me so that I could talk to him while I drove instead of going to those places in my head. Anyway, I am digressing.
There is of course a part of me that is shocked, scared, upset, ashamed, worried. I feel a strange sense of dread - like I have done something really wrong and I am waiting to get found out - which I know is odd - but that is what it feels like. It's like I can't really be relaxed about anything because this thing is waiting to happen to me. But I don't really have a tangible hold on what the thing is.
I didn't see it coming. I thought because Mark was saying everything is OK with my job - then it was. But in the end they didn't include him in discussions - even though he is on the management team. It was too much of a conflict of interest. I am the only one being made redundant. I hope that it is enough to keep the business going. I have always felt such loyalty and regard for this business. Never mind the fact that Mark is the Ops Director - it is a company with a good heart. And it does work that I am very proud of. I have been there forever. It has been really good to me too. I have been able to work flexibly, I have been able to go on sabbatical and then be sponsored in an EngD. Even the furlough was something that I brought up and was very much a two-way discussion. So I guess to feel rejected from that place really stings. It cuts to feel that I am not one of the people they are fighting to keep. I have a strong sense of who I am and what I am worth, but sometimes we just need that to be validated by others.
I am scared about the effort that I will need to put into a new role and how much more I will have to give - I don't know right now if I have it in me. For the right thing I do. I won't get a role that has such flexible working as I have had. This time next year, Bunnykins will be at secondary school - I can step up in terms of hours - but I have to be enthused by the work or it will feel like the effort is crushing me.
So as I said, Mark didn't know. The MD called him while I was in the meeting. I went downstairs and he came off the phone - with a look like he didn't know where to put himself. I had a little cry. We had a hug and then a walk around the park. He bought me a drink at the cafe, we talked. I was feeling OK. I have all these feelings and there is no simple way of stating it. I felt all the negative things at the same time as feeling all the positive things. I feel resilient - I think if you need a single word - that one will do. Resilient. Doesn't really capture it all, but whatever.
I had a chat with Ben. Then I went to pick up Woo and her school friends. I dropped them off, then picked up Bunnykins. Mark helped make salsa for our tea of Burritos, while I made the guacamole. At tea time I talked to the girls about it. I wanted to explain as they will hear Mark and I talking about it. I also want to be able to demonstrate that shit things happen and feeling bad happens but it isn't the only part of the story. So I was realistic and hopeful, I was truthful with them about feeling low and about the opportunities. The main thing I wanted to get across was that they weren't to worry and that financially it wasn't going to cause a problem or mean Christmas is cancelled or anything like that.
Once I had talked to them and dinner was over, I messaged a few people: Hannah and Stella. It is odd to just say "hey...this crap thing has happened", but otherwise I am holding it like something that is going to burst out of me - probably at the most inappropriate moment. I didn't want them to worry - I have had a few things happen recently and I don't want to seem like I am the most miserable person who just finds things to be down about. But at the same time, hiding facts about things like this - feels silly. I am OK, I feel more and more that I can cope with rubbish stuff and that I have so much to be grateful for. I can be grateful and I can be lifted by all sorts of things - while still carrying things that are negative and upsetting.
Thursday
Bunnykins alarm: 6:05am.....😬😖
Walked Bunnykins to school and then walked home. Today was the first day in months that I have been in the house on my own.
I had a bunch of online things to sort out, including starting to look at possible new jobs. I have no idea really, but that is what I need to do - research, talk to people, think, plan, repeat....
I did a 30 minute yoga. It was quite tough. It made me feel tearful that I was pushing myself and that started to feel mean, because I just didn't feel in that place mentally. I felt bad with myself that I wasn't all "grrr, let's do it". So that is certainly not the essence of yoga. Anyway. I went through to the end with it and then just lay looking at the ceiling a good long while.
I started to read some of my old Professional Engineering magazines - so...dull... I was just feeling like I wanted to cry. Like there was a pressure all across my body, but particularly my chest and stomach and head. It is odd really, as in my head I feel positive - but physically I just felt weighed on and weak.
At 2pm I drove into town, parked up and waited with a book to pick up the CGS girls. I dropped them off, then picked up Bunnykins. Hannah and I talked a while on the doorstep. I had not noticed the time, so when I arrived - Ben was already sitting on the far deck.
Friday
I woke up with the weight on me again. The thought of running home made me want to cry. I dressed in my running stuff to walk Bunnykins to school, but in the end I walked half of the way back talking to Ursula and then walked back the rest of the way. I had intended to join Karen's zoom zumba class, but in the end I had too much to fit in. I was talking to Mark about the consultation meeting I had at 11:30am and before I knew it the morning was gone and I was needing to shower and dress in something suitably armored to face this meeting.
We didn't have long to eat as he was supposed to be on the Overmoor lunchtime quiz where he was hosting a round on first lines of books. I didn't feel I could join, so I watched his round from the door and listened in.
I had a quorn version of Vietnamese Beef in the slow cooker which was OK. Mark flambeed a pineapple - Bunnykins isn't a fan of pineapple but when you cover something in butter and sugar and flame off some rum on it...it can't be too bad. Certainly not with some ice cream.
In the evening I sat with some wine and my book. It is the collected love letters that Vladimir Nabokov sent to his wife and love Vera. They are beautiful letters. You don't get the whole story - only what is in letter form, but each one is lovely to read on it's own.
In the afternoon UkuleleLand had a care home gig in Bath.
It was a lovely afternoon, it was great to see the residents on their balconies and the patio - tapping and singing along.
The meeting was OK. We talked about options for redeployment, but I had decided anyway that I was ready to accept it. It is time for me to find something new, time for me to shake myself up a bit. I don't want to be a dead weight. So even if they had made a mistake and wanted me back - I don't think I would take it. So they laid out all the details of the redundancy. They were very good. I have been there 17 years. I have 12 weeks notice period but it is entirely up to me how much of that I take and how much I am paid. It was all OK.
I was understandably flat afterwards so Mark and I went across to the hatch to get pizza.
Stella checked in with me which was lovely of her and sent me this poem by Mary Oliver.
I love the Mary Oliver poems I have come across. There is another poem that I regularly send to Ben of hers to remind him to live his own life. I didn't know this one above in its entirety, but that last line is something. I remember seeing it years ago at Verco. It was superimposed on a postcard of the back view of two naked people galloping down a hill. The postcard was on the wall of my colleague Sonny, who sat opposite me.
I didn't know what it was from then - but it just struck me and I've often thought of it and returned to it in the past.
It was the perfect poem to be reminded of. I do want to live like that. I do want to honour the possibilities of having just one precious life, to take risks and make the most of opportunities. But also to appreciate stillness and beauty in all the smaller things too and to not need perfection.
I feel it is such an interesting poem however as I think that if you just focus on the last two lines - then the answer is focused on jobs and big life decisions. But if you read the whole poem, then the answer has to become about attitude first. The whole poem is about being entirely aware and conscious in a moment in time. Being curious and joyful in just being alive. And maybe being awake and alive now leads you to question the choices of how you live and work and experience life. I think the focus on the last two lines can be at odds with the poem as a whole. I think the poem can be a call to get rid of things that are not serving you.
It can be a call to live and choose consciously, but it is primarily about simplicity and joy of awareness - not of striving into a new shiny career or whatever. Sure - better decisions about career and life choices may come from this... But my point is that the last two lines are about do you want to cultivate the attitude shown in the rest of the poem - not that you have to achieve any specific task or goal.
Saturday
The morning was fairly relaxed.
(shame Kevan is cut off!)
When I got back - Bunnykins had been making an insert for her butterbeer cup - I was so impressed!
I particularly loved the foam made from polystyrene.
Sunday
Mark went off to run early. I was going to yoga with Ben, he came over to have some breakfast before we went across. I left the girls on their own - as I can see the front door from the class.
It was great to be back in Pippa's class together. It was nice last week, but even nicer having my buddy to sneak a grin at when we're in some compromised position or if I let a fart slip...which happens occasionally....
When we had finished I could see that Mark wasn't back so we came back to mine for a cup of tea. I made a pot of my special The sur la nil tea. I tried it first when we were in Rome on our epic train based adventure. I don't drink tea now - but I love the scent of this tea. Woo came out to join us and had some tea while we shared memories of that holiday and talked about train travel.
Hannah did a great job with the BBQ, there was alot of food - we were all stuffed.
We walked/hobbled home, ready to start a new week.
Ben was just going to go home to a sandwich and Jason had just messaged to say he and Mark would be late back, so I suggested Ben joined us for lunch - nothing glam - just a quorn roast but we sat on the near deck with the girls to eat and it was very pleasant.
By the time Mark arrived back it was nearly 2pm. Everyone was racing for the shower, Mark was a wreck - the story of what had happened to he and Jason was hilarious for me - didn't sound great for him. It included being chased by bullocks, farmers fencing off paths, wading through goodness knows what on tunnels not made for human traffic. They had planned to run 20 to 30km. They ended up doing a marathon.
We were due down at the Dicksons for 3pm for a BBQ. In all likelihood the last Dickson-Challis BBQ of the year. Not just because the weather is changing but from Monday the "rule of six" was coming in that meant gatherings of more than 6 people apart from exceptions (school, work, organised sport, etc.) was going to be illegal. This wasn't going to be some massive covid sharing splash-out - just 8 people sitting in the garden having a BBQ, but we aren't rule breakers - so we thought we would make the most of our last chance. The weather was beautiful too.
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