Week 18 No graduation. Summer Hols Begin, Hannah's birthday
Monday
Today was supposed to be my graduation. I am Dr Challis, I have that sure. But today would have been the big ceremony.
In the spring of 2014, Bunnykins was 4 years old. I was coming towards the end of a sabbatical that I had started in 2013. She was due to start school in September, and I was due to return to work in consultancy. My sabbatical had been needed due to poor mental health, not to put too fine a point on it, and the thought of returning to work was starting to give me the jitters. I had left because of several reasons. The big one was that a key area of work that I had won year after year was drying up, infact had dried up. For years I had only worked on this one project. It was a big win each year, it supported a large team. I bid for it, won it, ran it, helped deliver it. My targets every year were guaranteed as soon as I got this in the bag each spring. Then the funding stopped. Alongside this, the business was restructuring. I was in the management team; the MD consulted with me regularly about the shape of the business and I could feel that he wanted to shoehorn me in, but I just didn't quite fit in the new structure. Ontop of this several other things were going on in my personal life. My mum's health was deteriorating as the Alzheimers took hold, I was still suffering with post natal depression, heaping huge amounts of pressure on myself and self harming. Then the blast that stopped me in my tracks was the suicide of my next door neighbour's daughter. I talked about Karen in the last post, well this was the other side - a beautiful family with 3 beautiful daughters all older than my two. I remember when Woo was born, all three girls crowded round the crib, cooing and smiling at Woo. They would give her their old books and toys and were just a lovely family to live next to. I won't tell their story, but Meg developed an eating disorder to the point where her mind was so badly affected that one day she took her life. I saw them bring her out on a stretcher to the private ambulance. They were a normal, lovely family. And this horrible thing happened.
So I realised that I needed to just stop. I needed to stop trying to be all these things I felt I was supposed to be to ward of the judgement of the world. I needed to slow down and spend more time with Bunnykins and Woo. I needed to rethink what I wanted to do. The sabbatical had been really good for that and I was feeling my self come back to life. I even remember one day just realising that I could feel sensations on my skin again. I could feel the breeze across my arms and I knew it had been years since I was alive to that. But coming back to work was worrying because I was a principal consultant, high day rate, high targets...but I didn't feel I had the skills to offer anymore. There was also the worry about how we would structure our time to still be able to spend enough time with the girls.
I had spoken to some younger people (one a graduate working at Verco for a while, and another being a friend that I met through the death of Meg) and I had been talking to them about going to University and what they wanted to do. I had spoken so passionately about further study, but in a way that seemed it was inaccessible to me. I started to question this and looking around I found the Systems Centre at Bristol University. I spoke to them and found out that there was an opportunity to get paid to study a 4 year doctorate. I would have to officially start in April but I could then defer entry until September. I spoke to Verco about it and they agreed to support me also, firstly by helping me with access to clients, data and a project purpose. Then also by sponsoring me (a match funding for the EPSRC funding available).
I started in September with 6 months of taught courses. My tutor was assigned at the time and I had a second tutor come on board as my thesis subject developed. It was tricky. Everyone else was full time and without dependents, oh yes and male. One guy did have a kid - but he was the full time worker in the house. The idea was that the study was based around practical work in the real world - so it should be linked to a workplace need. I would get the girls off to school in the morning, then run or walk home and get going at 9am working right through to 3pm. Mark and his parents supported me with childcare when I needed to attend classes. Through Verco I had access to great data, and through one of the courses I got more interested in the sociological aspects of systems. I wrote a paper which included ethnography - mixing ethnography and engineering helped towards being clear that my work had a distinct and new contribution. This paper was the basis of one of the chapters of my thesis. I developed a further chapter based around work I presented at a conference in Berlin. The story of the thesis began to come together and I was able to continue to work with clients to get all the data I needed.
I didn't find writing the thesis a great challenge. It wasn't easy for sure. But if I knew what I was writing about then I could sit down at 9am and write for a few solid hours. I could then take another hour or two editing, but I was able to get the content down. It helped that I had organised the structure from early on and I kept adding to it and editing it as I went. The final writing task was based on me already having about 70% of the content written in some form or another. I had alot to learn about some basic grammar points in particular the semi colon! I managed to get the final draft complete before the summer holidays kicked off in 2019. I got comments back during the summer. Made some final changes and if I remember correctly, I submitted the final draft in September. It took quite a while, but my Viva was scheduled for December 12th. I passed with minor corrections. Minor corrections is fantastic - that means that you go out the room for 20 minutes, they have a chat and they tell you there and then that what you have done is good enough. It goes to the exam board shortly after and the corrections are minor enough that they pretty much take it on trust that you will get them done. (There is a small sign off process). The assessors also told me (off the record) just how impressed they had been also that I had managed to do all this while being the main carer for two young children.
Ben was in town that day teaching at the Folk House. I met him for lunch straight afterwards. I sat at the table and bawled my eyes out. I cried for how proud I was of myself, how I had managed to get through the whole thing. How I had been the outsider all the time. I cried for how my mum and other members of the family wouldn't share in it with me. I cried for how hard I had worked and how that was done. I cried for all the other crazy stuff that continued on in my life. I cried with relief and with joy. So that was the day it was official - I was Dr Challis. At 3pm I went to get Woo from school in town. Mark and Bunnykins came in to meet us and we had delicious tapas followed by Woo's carol concert. It was a lovely evening (even though Woo had started off really annoyed about Mark forgetting to bring her boots).
I submitted the final version of my thesis, and had it bound in February.
But right now (it is 4:25pm on Monday 20th July), I would have been inside the Wills Memorial Building. Wearing a colourful robe (the Systems Centre one isn't plain black), a funny floppy hat and some posh duds. I would have been listening to speeches, probably welling up as I am right now writing this; waiting to hear my name. Mark and the girls would have been watching from the audience. My friends would be heading into town now or to wherever I had arranged a graduation celebration. Hannah had the day off, Ben was going to be there, Claire had it in her diary as did the Mummies, Mark's parents were going to be there. Those are just the people that said an emphatic "I'm in!" back in February this year. I know more would have joined the celebration had I been able to plan it. I got the e-mail on 31st March to say the ceremony was cancelled due to the covid-19 situation.
I know my mum wouldn't have been able to make it regardless. I think about how happy she was when my brother graduated from his PhD. So I couldn't have had that. Nothing changes the fact that she doesn't know that both her children became doctors. I wish she could know that. I wish she could be able to tell everyone and beam and burst with it as if she'd written every last word and equation herself. Does it make a difference that I don't have this moment? Maybe it will still happen. I don't feel like it will and I am not sure what the answer is to the question I just posed. It just feels hard today.
Anyway, there were plenty of other things going on today. It would have been an INSET day for Bunnykins. But given the lockdown, she's not been to school at all since March. Today was arranged as a day for all the kids, who had not been in in one form or another (key worker or key yeargroup). Bunnykins was really excited to see her friends and find out more about what next year will be like. M of the Dicksons was going too and it was Hannah's birthday so Woo and I were invited to come and hang out with Hannah (who lives near the school) while Bunnykins and M were in.
We left the house at 8am. It was funny walking the old route to school after so long.
It was strange to be taking last day photos with no-one else around, not the normal bustle, and after so long of not even being anywhere near the school.
We waited around for 10 minutes until the allotted time and then she went in as a few of her other classmates started to arrive.
We walked across to the Dicksons and sat in the garden. It was a beautiful morning. Jason went off for a run after 10 minutes so it was just the 4 of us. C was in great form chatting and joking.
He and Woo even occasionally played a bit of basketball together.
Soon it was time to pick up the girls, who had had a great time.
Back home I sorted out lunch, then got a few things done including creating labels for our new jam.
I was feeling pretty meh by tea time so even though it was Monday, it was time for a beer.
Tuesday
Did my walking workout, then went to wake the girls. The week had started without much structure and I was wanting to put a little more in place. I woke the girls at 8am and suggested that they should get dressed and breakfast, then if they wanted to do any school work stuff (which they both are keen to keep going - Hegarty maths and bbc bitesize) then they do that about 9am and we will do some craft stuff at 10am.
Managed to round them up at 10am. I suggested that we work on our art club ideas. The theme is Happy Place. I had printed out some pictures of the Rest Bay beach that were empty of detail. I was going to suggest that the girls could have a go at doodling onto them. I knew Bunnykins would have her own thing anyway. Woo also wasn't keen - but it got her motivated to do something else. She went off to research some ideas for a while. I sat down to get on with mine while Bunnykins upholstered a dolls house stool...
The beach is a happy place for me. But an empty and overcast beach. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do, but I thought the photo made a great backdrop. I started with sketching in watercolour pencils. Then thought about putting a wash over them to make it a bit more ghostly.
Ben has become something of a celebrity on Karen's zoom classes and of course had brought his piccolo ukulele.
I got back to find Woo had been using the watercolour paints to create a background for her work, she was researching and trying out text to lay across it. Bunnykins was off reading.
After tea we had a go at Woo's new game again. It was a bit windier this time and we kept having to dive onto the piles of cards to stop them blowing away. Mark was keen to play but went instead to get our shopping. We promised that we would all play tomorrow.
Wednesday
I started with a run, but didn't manage to run the whole way. My foot is fine in my squishy trainers, but it was really warm and I was struggling - a bit out of practice maybe.Got some good news from my contact at the university that they are looking to reschedule graduation ceremonies to next year. So yay! for that 😀.
Did my yoga, some blogging, and then while the girls were still busy with reading and online Maths - I got a shower and got dressed. Thought I would try out one of my new crop tops.
Mark was working up in the study where the printer lives. He had swapped so we had the craft room free to use.
We did a few practice runs, the ink was quite spotty and feint. We agreed it was OK and that Woo would then use that as a guide to write over the quotes.
Bunnykins was lamenting that Woo doesn't let her come over to play with the dolls house. (They actually ended up talking about this at tea time). It was a very mature conversation - certainly from Woo's side. Bunnykins was complaining away about how Woo wasn't a very good sister and always talks over her and everyone remembers her stories and Woo can always do everything Bunnykins can do. Woo asked her if Bunnykins felt that Woo overshadowed her. They talked about some things that happened in Mauritius and Bunnykins accepted that there were stories about what Bunnykins had done (amazing bartering skills when we were buying things in the market) that Woo couldn't do. Woo then asked what she could do to be a better big sister. Bunnykins gave a long list of unspecific and unrealistic things before I reminded her about the dolls house. Woo felt this was a valid criticism, as just earlier in the day, Bunnykins had visited with her dolls and brought some flowers (for the dolls house). Woo had told her to put them on the porch and go. It was agreed that Woo would let Bunnykins come over and visit.
I had a brief break to eat tea with everyone. Then Mark took the girls out on a 5km walk.
I got back to sewing... Turn it right side out and press. Then pin and sew the header tape. Again, all the sewing is pretty straightforward. But these curtains are HUGE! Even just sewing it requires you to have the equivalent of a toddler sat on your lap - slipping off and getting stuck.
Thursday
Started with a 30 minute walking workout. Then woke up the girls and did some blogging while I had my breakfast. I then got myself settled down by the back door to hem the curtains.
Hemming is a mindful process, especially something so huge. The first curtain took a little over an hour and a half. Just sitting with it heavy on my lap, the needle picks up two threads from the curtain fabric and glides through to catch the folded hem. A little push from my thimble covered finger and out I pull it to start again.
I stopped to make lunch and grab a shower. After lunch I started with curtain number two. I listened to a couple more episodes then switched to an On Being podcast - navigating loss without closure. This whole theme resonates with me with how things are with my mum. It's been over 13 years now. I remember getting the call with the news of what they had diagnosed. I was stood in an isle in Boots looking for baby nappies while still pregnant with Woo. Mum had been having more and more dramatic losses of self. I can't recall which came first - I think things were noticed at work and she had to stop working. Then there was a time we were visiting their home which had a steep drive. She had been out to pick something up. Me, Mark and my brother were in the kitchen - I think I was washing up. I saw her drive up and the car stop. Then it was going backwards with the door open - fortunately she was still in the driver seat. I was already running to the door, it went through the gate, across the road and stopped when it hit the wall of the neigbours house opposite. She hadn't put on the handbrake. Maybe that is a mistake that can happen - but she can't have been in her mind the whole time it rolled backwards. That was just the start. I have watched her disappear over these 13 years. It is not possible to grieve in any traditional way for that length of time - your body and mind just wont let it happen. She is gone. The last time I really saw her was at my 40th birthday party. There were glimpses of her after and of course, physically she is still here - she is in a nursing home 3 hours drive from here under lockdown. My grief rises to the surface occasionally, there was a spa session for my 40th that I sobbed uncontrollably when I was left to relax in a perfumed room listening to countryside sounds and I imagined myself running across the field behind our old house, through the fence and down the garden all the way to the back door and into the kitchen. There was a therapy session where I talked about my fear that lockdown would mean that she might die and I wouldn't get to say goodbye properly and this thing would never been done with. The podcast talks about how we want to fix things - have an answer - this is the state of my relationship with this person - they are gone or they are here. That it could be both is far too messy - we want an answer - we want an ending - a resolution. But there is none and the only help is to find some peace with that truth for a while.
I got it all done. It felt like an achievement. Mark and Woo helped hang them. It was lovely to see them go up. Not just because I could feel proud of having done a good job. But also, when Woo mentioned (in about January) that this is what she wanted for her birthday - my heart sank a little at the amount of work that would be required to move the bunk bed and all the amounts of stuff. I always think it is good to reflect on having had that feeling of "urgh!" and how it is now done. We got it done and sorted. We manifested this change and it is good. Her room is absolutely lovely to sit in. She loves it and so do I.
It was already past 3pm by now. Woo wanted some help with a few things and then I flew about getting ready for Ben to arrive. It was forecast to rain again, so I quickly whipped up an extra panel for our under tree shelter. It just consists of adding ribbons to a sheet of sturdy fabric.
Ben arrived just before I finished and stood chatting with me on the doorstep of the workroom while I got the last ribbons on. It was worth it, as we just settled in before the drizzle started. We were able to add it in the direction of the rain and it gave us rather more coverage. It also made me chuckle that it was a wood pattern fabric. I think I may end up making rather more...creating a labyrinth out there 😂.
We chatted and played, it was lovely. I wanted to start with playing Back to Black which had been going round my mind since I heard it earlier. We played a few of our older songs. Then tried out a few new ones including this corker of a potential duet for me and Naomi in Ukuleleland.
It was too damp to sit out on the other deck so Mark brought us our food and Ben and I ate in our little shelter while Mark and the girls ate inside. (BTW it is supposed to be curry but I only had quorn mince not quorn chunks - it didn't taste too bad 😜).
Friday
I went for my run. I noticed that my foot was hardly hurting at all. Not even on the bare floor. I got round my normal route with a reasonable (Charlotte relative) pace and even included my faster last leg. I like to finish with a walk around the park. I noticed some wild flowers coming up.
I did my blogging and had my breakfast. The girls were doing some work on their computers. At 10am I tried to get them up doing some craft. Woo wanted to take some old jewelry apart to make some earrings.
After lunch, the girls disappeared off to their rooms. I got a few things done online. Then joined Ben's 2pm Ukulele club on Skype.
I had put a jackfruit tagine in the slow cooker, which we had with jeweled cous cous (pomegranate). It's one of my favourite slow cooker things. We used to be able to use beef and then it was even more yummy...but Bunnykins vegetarianism meant that jackfruit was a very acceptable alternative. However, she now has a problem with jackfruit because "it has funny holes in"...😕. This frustrates the hell out of me. I forget that she is 10 and being fussy is par for the course. But that we have adapted to her requirements - but can't find something that will work for her. ANYWAY.
After the 3 of us (Bunnykins not so much) enjoyed our Moroccan tagine, we sailed down the coast to Egypt to have a game of Luxor. Though minus Bunnykins as she had got upset over feeling generally picked on for not liking the food, oh and then when she couldn't have her desert (which was cake we'd picked up from the hatch) I said that she could have it tomorrow, but that Woo could also have something nice when she did. I think I do sometimes assume bad things of Bunnykins. I assume she's going to behave in some pain in the arse way...because she (as a 10yr old naturally does) does act in a pain in the arse way sometimes.
Woo, Mark and I played Luxor, which was fun. It's a reasonably long game (though not too long), long enough that one round is about right.
Saturday
Rain was forecast so I had planned to get back to painting the mural. Mark made us pancakes, then I got dressed and got started.
I was scrolling through spotify and found some podcasts recommended that I recognised. Unlocking Us with Brene Brown. I decided to give one a go called "I'm Sorry: How to Apologise & Why It Matters" (it's actually a 2 part thing). It was really interesting. Sometimes I feel like I have this view of myself as already so self improved that I am listening to these things thinking OOO this will be really good for Ben, or for Claire or Joe Bloggs. That is a bit of misrepresentation or exaggeration - but I do catch it in myself. Anyway, this one feels really relevant for me. It was interesting - it really helped me think through my own situation with a particular broken relationship. I think there are some key points I took away (though I will need to listen to the two programs again):
- Only apologise for what I am actually sorry for
- Do not apologise in order to get an end point - don't apologise just so things will be mended
- Don't add justifications as to why this or that
- Focus on the thing that is the apology - not attach it to criticisms of the other person or justifying my wider behaviour. (Those things are for a separate discussion - not part of an apology)
- Listen to find what is true and what you can agree with. Don't listen with a focus to find out what is wrong with their argument. Take the focus off defensiveness
- Do not ask for forgiveness
- Offer appropriate reparations and it needs to be something you wont do again.
It is interesting. In this situation I am mindful of. I don't feel that the fault is mine or that I have done anything dramatically wrong. I do feel however that there is a small element of wrong in the whole picture and that I didn't apologise for that at the time and in a way - that caused far more bad to happen. This podcast certainly got me thinking.
As it happened I had an opportunity to practice what I was listening to with Bunnykins. She'd asked for my help with a craft thing, so I stopped painting to help her. I know how sensitive she can get, so when I'd said that I didn't have sellotape but there was some in the bureau (like ...off you go get it) she said (a little sulkily I thought) I'm going to my room. And I said "oh my days! Just because I wouldn't get you the sellotape?!" To which she responded that I "always think the worst of her". It's not true, I don't always do that. But sometimes I do.
So later I just went and simply apologised "I'm sorry that I assumed you were going off in a huff" and I smiled. I didn't add a whole load of justification. I tried to listen to what the underlying complaint was beyond the stuff that I felt was incorrect (I don't always do this - not even close - but I knew I had done it this time). It was good practice.
Mark helped for a while with some of the big areas of blue.
Woo was good company and took a few photos.
It was heaving down when Mark arrived back.
Sunday
Read my book for a while and chatted to Mark about yoga. He's keen to do more of it to help with back pain he seems to keep getting from running. I did a bit of pottering about in the workroom. I added some outlines to Little My and Snufkin. Meanwhile Bunnykins was chatting away about craft things, and busily making things for Mini's room. Mini is one of her little dolls that live with the Lotties. It was her birthday on Sunday - so great things were being done to distract her while this new room was being furnished. I wasn't really paying a great deal of attention overall; just zoning in to answer questions about colour combinations and which fabric for the curtains and how to make a curtain pole.
One of the things I was trying to figure out was how to get new school shoes sorted. Getting measured up for school shoes is a long and busy process at the best of times. Over the school holidays the shops are always full of bored kids and frustrated mums waiting their turn and generally complaining to each other. With covid-19 that will be turned into snaking socially distanced queues snaking around the block. The last few times that the girls have got shoes they have both chosen exactly the same. Bunnykins goes for a startrite shoe called Rhino Warrior.
Anyway, I digress... Woo has always chosen a startrite/angry angels pair called Matilda.
So anyway, given the bare fact that I know exactly what shoes they would choose and that these are available online. I had a look at measuring at home. It is possible to book a fitting appointment, but I thought that if I could sort it out here, then that is the best option. The website had a downloadable paper measuring gauge (you can even buy the plastic measuring slide things - but that is rather overkill I think).
I used to work in a shoe shop on a Saturday when I was still living at home. It was a little family run shoe shop. I was never allowed to fit the children's shoes - the owner or his wife did that. But I could do the running for them and I was allowed to serve customers who wanted slippers or wellies or stuff like that. Another digression. Woo took a few pictures of the process...she does like to be thorough 😀.
After lunch Mark and I had a long chat about his parents coming down this weekend. This is something that was sprung on me a little. He said on Saturday they were coming to stay over 2 nights next weekend and that it was in the rules. It made me feel really anxious. This place has been my safe little bubble and I knew that I was getting possibly anxious - more because of how much of a safe place home feels and what it means to me. On top of that, the double bed is now in Woo's room. I just hadn't thought we would need to solve the spare bed issue for ages - I just hadn't anticipated that we would need to have someone staying over. I said that my main worry was that they have quite a different world view on social distancing. They have sort of said "bah, we're probably safe and we're fed up, so we don't care any more". That is entirely understandable and it is up to them. Problem is that it is really not how I see it. I don't want to spend the weekend in my house trying to enforce something on my own and ending up with people getting annoyed about it. So he had a long call with his parents to say that we still wanted to social distance during their visit. They will be staying in Woo's room and will have the main bathroom to their selves. Fortunately the weather should be good so we can stay and eat outside for most of the time. They are also now only staying one night. I do feel better about it, though tbh, it should probably be either one thing or the other - they stay and we all go "stuff it" or they don't stay.
My head was getting ready to burst with it, so I went outside to read my book. It was nice to be out and getting some fresh air and just be away from the bustle. But it was rather too cold to stay long.
After tea I had set up a call with the mummies. In the end it was just me and Mush. Tbh, that was really lovely. There is stuff that Mush and I don't talk about when we're in the larger group. We're always a bit restricted when we're sitting with people coming in and out of earshot - but it was still really good to talk. She listens to the Unlocking Us podcasts too, so we talked about some of those. Talking about health and mental health and the kids and how to deal with all the things that come up. She's a wise person. She has a very different view on the world to me, but it's really healthy to listen to people who see the world and decisions to be made in it, differently. Oh yeah and we talked about Buffy the vampire slayer 😂. So we do have alot in common as much as we are also different.
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